President Ruka Chivende, has been nothing short of a revelation, outshining his predecessor, the late Cde Robert Gabriel Mugabe, in every conceivable metric though mainly in the art of governance gymnastics.
Chivende and the illustrious First Family have not just surpassed the Mugabes, they’ve left them in the dust, waving an increasingly authoritarian flag while claiming new highs (and lows).
This week, The True Patriot brings you an exclusive exposé on their unparalleled accomplishments.
Mastering Opposition Suppression: Mugabe’s Arrests Were Mere Child’s Play
In the grand tradition of outdoing his mentor, President Chivende has taken political crackdown to operatic levels.
Where Mugabe merely arrested opposition figures, occasionally releasing them on bail for a bit of courtroom theater, Chivende has streamlined and industrialized the process.
Just last week, the prophetic rally cry of the ZANU-PF Youth League “Pachigaro chaVaMnangagwa hapamihwe-mihwe unochohwa-chowa” proved startlingly accurate.
A whopping 34 opposition members, including former minister Jameson Timba, were convicted for the egregious crime of “gathering with intent to cause violence.”
A crime so heinous it apparently warrants turning the Constitution into confetti.
And why stop there? Under Chivende’s “shamhu ine munyu”* (salty stick) doctrine, the government has gone boldly where Mugabe dared not: outright criminalizing demonstrations.
Basic rights are no longer a nuisance to be skirted—they’ve simply been erased. As for the so-called principle of “separation of powers” (another pesky Western import), it’s now more of a quaint suggestion than a reality.
In the Vene Republic, the courts move with the President’s impeccable sense of timing.
Regional Power Play: A Democracy Exporter Extraordinaire
Chivende’s influence isn’t confined to our borders.
No, his visionary leadership has spilled over into the region.
According to the Namibian, his government is now exporting voters to neighboring countries like Mozambique to grow the economy and also assist in, shall we say, determining outcomes.
Forget election observers,Zimbabwean voters are the real instruments of regional democracy!
And if that weren’t enough, his coronation as SADC Chairman brought with it the kind of bold declarations Mugabe could only dream of.
Who needs transparency when you have power and influence?
Dr. Auxilia Chivende: A First Lady with First-Class Timing
Not to be outdone by the original Dr. Stop It, the ever-resourceful First Lady, Auxilia Chivende, stunned the nation last week by “graduating” with a PhD in Tourism and Hospitality.
And this time, there’s no missing thesis to cause a stir! Dr. Chivende’s decision to study at Midlands State University eschewing flashy Western institutions proves her commitment to the mantra Nyika Inovakwa Nevene Vayo.
That her application to Western universities was declined due to “inferior qualifications” is, of course, Western propaganda.
Never mind her groundbreaking work with the Angel of Hope Foundation, which no doubt requires doctoral-level expertise in tourism?
Her academic success aside, Dr. Chivende has also been a key player on the diplomatic front, representing Zimbabwe in engagements with our stalwart ally, Belarus.
If there’s one thing she’s shown, it’s that soft diplomacy pairs beautifully with hard authoritarianism.
David Mnangagwa: Redefining Finance (or Defining Collapse
Meanwhile, the presidential heir, David Mnangagwa, has taken the Ministry of Finance by storm or perhaps by stealth.
In an unprecedented move, he has effectively sidelined the beleaguered Mthuli Ncube, ensuring the Zimbabwean dollar’s freefall against the US dollar continues uninterrupted.
If economic mismanagement were an Olympic sport, young David would already have a gold medal.
Under his watchful eye, the Ministry has perfected the art of financial despair, leaving analysts wondering: is this sheer incompetence or avant-garde economic strategy?
Conclusion: Leadership Redefined
The Mnangagwas have truly taken leadership to uncharted territories, setting records in constitutional erosion, regional manipulation, and familial empowerment.
Where Mugabe left off, Ruka Chivende has built a monument of absurdity.
One can only wonder what heights they’ll reach next.
After all, in the Vene Republic, there’s no limit to ambition only to opposition gatherings.
