By Cde Sikhosana Bambazonke
The Zimbabwean government has enthusiastically welcomed the United States’ decision to suspend $410 million in health funding through PEPFAR, labeling it a “patriotic blessing in disguise” and a “golden opportunity” to roll out a fresh wave of innovative taxes.
With the lifeline for HIV programs now severed, Finance Minister Mthuli Ncube couldn’t contain his excitement.
“This is exactly what we’ve been waiting for!” he declared. “Now we can finally do what we do best, tax the people!”
Mthuli unveiled his grand plan: introducing sin taxes on alcohol, cigarettes, fast food, and sugary drinks to “save the health sector,” a sector that has been on life support since the 1980s.
True Patriots don’t be fooled, the real “health” being saved here is the health of Wicknell Chivayo’s bank account.
Reports suggest that revenue from these new taxes will help fund his “National Car Giveaway Program,” because apparently, gifting luxury vehicles to ZANU PF supporters, appendages and affiliates is a matter of national importance.
According to Mthuli, “The goal is simple: Collect from the poor, donate to the rich.”
After all, how will the nation survive without watching celebrities receive luxury vehicles they never needed?
The Finance Minister’s creativity knows no bounds, as he outlined a series of upcoming taxes designed to fill both government coffers and Wicknell’s garage.
A Gossip Tax will charge citizens per WhatsApp voice note spreading political rumors or any voice note, for that matter.
A “Happiness Levy” will ensure that laughter in public spaces comes at a cost, because joy without taxation is truly sinful.
For those who can’t afford fuel, a Walking Tax will ensure you pay for using government-owned air and pavements.
And let’s not forget the Phone Call Levy, where every time you say “Hello,” a dollar goes straight to the Consolidated Car Fund (CCF) for Chivayo’s next giveaway.
When questioned about how these taxes would benefit patients in need of ARVs or maternal care, Mthuli simply smiled and replied, “What’s more important hospitals or a happy Wicknell?”
So, comrades, let’s raise a glass before it’s taxed to our government, forever creative, forever taxing, and forever loyal to the rich.
Cheers to more taxes and fewer problems!
