Fellow comrades, compatriots, and dearest citizens, the weekly diatribe has now begun, and I would encourage you to buckle up and prepare to listen to some hard truths never before witnessed in the history of truths.

For once in my newfound existence, I have learned to tell the truth because my entire previous existence was a lie of the highest order.

The year 2025 has been filled with a lot of drama, soap operas, and a whole lot of pauses but a lack of reflection.

Honestly, if this year were a person, it would be that one relative who shows up uninvited, eats all the snacks, and then leaves without washing the dishes.

A Tale of Two Blesseds

The one major episode of the year has come from the curious case of the two Blesseds: Blessed Geza, the war veteran, and Blessed Mhlanga, the veteran journalist.

These two have shaken the ZANU PF setup harder than a bartender making a mojito.

The police, the CIO, and the judiciary are all in a tizzy, and honestly, it’s the most excitement they’ve had since someone misplaced the keys to the handcuffs.

Let’s talk about Blessed Geza. Is he a hero for speaking the truth about Ruka Chivende’s corruption, or a villain due to his association with ZANU PF?

Geza, in the eyes of the masses, is a hero for doing the unthinkable: speaking against injustice, political patronage, and state corruption masterminded by Ruka Chivende.

Bold move, my friend. Bold move. Back in my day, I’d have sent him on a one-way trip to meet his maker faster than you can say “land reform.”

If anyone can relate to Geza’s plight, it’s Trabablas. That guy knows what it’s like to be on the run after challenging a life presidency.

The ZANU PF Republic Police (ZRP) has now laid ridiculous criminal charges against veteran journalist Blessed Dhara Mhlanga, who’s been slapped with terrorism charges.

Yes, you heard that right: “terrorism charges” for doing his job as a journalist.

Apparently, asking tough questions is now classified as inciting public violence.

Who knew?

The judiciary has outdone itself this time. They’ve denied Mhlanga bail on grounds so flimsy, they make wet toilet paper look sturdy.

The charges are more ridiculous than a 2008 $100 billion bearer cheque if it had my face, but let’s be honest, I’d look fabulous on currency.

There’s been some solidarity for Mhlanga, which is great, but let’s be real: most of it is just performative.

It’s like sending “thoughts and prayers” after a disaster. Nice sentiment, but it doesn’t exactly fix the problem.

In Other News

While the 2030 agenda is still floating around like a ghost in a haunted house, the real drama is happening inside the revolutionary party.

Factionalism is running wilder than a toddler on a sugar high, and military personnel are dropping like flies. It’s chaos, folks. Beautiful, messy chaos.

The party that was snatched from me—yes, I’m still bitter—is in dire straits.

It’s like watching a car crash in slow motion. You want to look away, but you just can’t.

The factionalism is so bad, it makes Game of Thrones look like a tea party.

And the military? Let’s just say they’re not having a great time.

My dear citizens, keep your heads up, your spirits high, and your sense of humor intact. Because if you don’t laugh, you’ll cry, and we’ve already got enough tears to fill Lake Kariba.

Until next time, Asante Sana!