By Cde Sikhosana Bambazonke
Harare’s humble street-side tyre vendors woke up this week to discover they are apparently at the centre of a national security crisis.
The Zimbabwe Republic Police (ZRP), in their infinite wisdom, have ordered all tyre traders to immediately relocate their stockpile of tyres, fearing they might be used as “road decorations” during the upcoming March 31 protests.
According to reports, the authorities fear that the upcoming March 31 protests could see enraged citizens repurpose the humble Trentyre, Dunlop, and Tiger Wheel and Tyre into a revolutionary bonfire, as they have done in the past.
Apparently, our ZANU PF government believes that when the people struggle to buy basic groceries, it assumes that a few flaming tyres are enough to spark a full-blown insurrection.
But it doesn’t stop at tyres!
Over in Chitungwiza, bars have also been ordered to shut down early, as if limiting access to alcohol will suddenly turn political frustration into mountain retreats.
As true patriots, we understand nothing quells public anger like forcing sober contemplation.
One vendor, desperately trying to make a living selling second-hand tyres, was baffled when police swooped in, ordering him to clear his stall before it could become the next revolutionary weapons depot.
“They told us to move our tyres because protestors might take them,” said one visibly annoyed trader.
“I mean, do they expect us to start selling cabbages now?”
Hahaha, what a tough time to be in the tyre business.
Imagine explaining to your customers that, due to national security concerns, they’ll need to come to your secret underground tyre bunker to purchase a simple Toyota Corolla tyre.
Forget gold smuggling, tyre smuggling is the new big thing!
Meanwhile in Chitungwiza, bar owners have been ordered to close shop between 8 PM and 9 PM in what can only be described as an unofficial, unconstitutional, and completely unnecessary curfew.
The logic here? If people can’t drink, they won’t protest.
After all, sober people have no political opinions.
One frustrated imbiber summed it up best: “So, let me get this straight, tyres are a national security risk, beer is a national security risk, but the actual corruption that people are protesting against is not?”
The protests are being led by war veteran Blessed “Bombshell” Geza, who, much like his predecessors in 2017, has decided that the best way to fix Zimbabwe is to replace the current leadership with, well… another ZANU PF leader.
This time, his champion is Vice President Constantino Chiwenga, the man who, just a few years ago, helped install Ruka Chivende.
Geza insists that Chivende’s presidency has been hijacked by corrupt businessmen, otherwise known as “Zvigananda,” which in political terms translates to “those getting rich milking government coffers.”
With police on the hunt for Geza, he has vanished into thin air, perhaps hiding among the very tyres that the government fears so much.
In his address last week, Geza boldly declared: “I am being protected by the people because I stand for the people’s wishes!”
True patriots, until then, keep your tyres hidden, drink responsibly before 8 PM, and always remember in Zimbabwe, everything is a potential coup.
