My fellow countrymen, suffering masses, and disgruntled ZANU PF card-carrying members, it is my privilege and honor to address you under these grueling and tough circumstances—tough for you, of course, as my family and I, along with the chosen few of ZANU PF elites, continue to swim in the gravy of royalty.

You can’t fault us for your ignorant poverty, but as your President, it is my obligation to offer you false hope and empty sympathies.

So, bear with me as I outline the calamities that have turned three-quarters of the country into destitute beggars.

Esteemed Vendors

To my esteemed vendors—which, let’s face it, is almost everyone—I understand the financial constraints you’re facing.

During the election campaign, I promised you the world: safe spaces to operate, protection from the municipal police and the Zimbabwe Republic Police, and financial grants.

Well as you’ve probably realized by now, promises are meant to be broken.

As President, I’m often occupied with more “serious” state issues, like ensuring my family’s business empire supported by patronage is thriving, so trivial matters like your welfare are bound to slip my mind.

Believe it or not, I care.

The current crackdown by the ministry of local government and city councils across the country is a necessary and bold move.

We can’t have the SADC Chairmanship’s capital city doubling as the vending capital of the world.

The streets must be rid of these unruly, desperate citizens to maintain the illusion of stability.

Order must be restored, even if it means destroying your livelihoods, hopes, and aspirations.

To the Vendors for ED, I apologize. Makapembedza n’anga neyakazobata Mai.

You supported my vision, and I promised you the lead in the vendor revolution.

While you might be wondering what your relevance is in ZANU PF if you’re suffering just like everyone else, take pride in knowing you’re performing a national service.

History will honor you as stoic revolutionaries,or at least that’s what I’ll tell you to keep you quiet.

To the Vulnerable and Drug-Induced Unemployed Youth

The ZANU PF party, under the Second Republic, has done more for the youth than any other regime in this country, or even the region.

Thanks to my outstanding leadership, we now have the largest demographic of young Mbingas thriving on excessive state resources.

Zviganandas like Wicknell, Scott, and the ungrateful Mike Chimombe, may he never cross me again, showcase the lifestyle of the rich and famous.

Youths makeup over 60% of the population, yet they are the most underpaid and unemployed.

However, their value in protecting my personal interests remains unmatched.

They are the engine of my political longevity, as long as they’re used as brute force and not think tanks.

Unemployment will remain an issue, so stop your bickering and whining.

Believe it or not, I care.

I recently launched the Presidential Youth Fund, a whopping $2 million spread across ten provinces.

That’s $200,000 per province to cater for all the youth.

How thoughtful of my government, right?

Treasonous Geza and the 31st March Madness

This charlatan, Blessed “Bombshell” Geza, and his crazy incitement of violence are nothing short of treasonous.

By challenging my authority and my claim to lifelong presidency, he’s threatening the core foundations of our governance system: See no evil, Hear no evil, Speak no evil.

He is now persona non grata, and so are his supporters.

In fact, I’m enacting a law that makes it a criminal offense to even listen to Geza.

I’ve been quiet for too long, just like in the days when I was insulted by Mai Mugabe.

Aah but no more!

As for 31st March, my message is simple “Zvizameyi muone!”

You will see fire.

Demonstrations, like cigarettes, are legal but dangerous for your health and those around you.

I encourage scared citizens, including activists, to focus on their well-being and avoid being carried away by the wind.

Salute to More Suffering

My fellow suffering countrymen let me conclude by saying: I urge you to continue enduring your hardships in silence.

Your suffering is the foundation of my prosperity.

Together, we will maintain the illusion of stability while I ensure my family and I remain untouched by the chaos.

Believe it or not, I care.

Salute! To more suffering.

Long live ZANU PF, long live the Second Republic, and long live my business empire!