By Cde Patriot Sunungura
In our beloved teapot-shaped nation—where miracles outpace election manifesto promises, Prophet Ian Ndlovu has once again performed the ultimate spiritual acrobatics, transforming political donations into “heavenly blessings,” no receipts needed.
Apostle Talent Chiwenga, never one to whisper, didn’t mince his words in a heavy-worded rebuke against Ndlovu: “Ian Ndlovu is now Wicknell Chivayo’s side chick,” thundered Chiwenga.
Chiwenga said Ndlovu didn’t merely dabble in temptation, he swan-dived into the deep end of Chivayo’s gravy train.
And by “gravy train,” we mean the plush leather seats of a 2025 Land Cruiser VXR, a Fortuner GD6, and a cool $150,000 “seed offering” to “advance the Kingdom.”
While Ndlovu serenaded congregants with John 3:27: “A man can receive nothing unless it is given from heaven,” Chivayo staged his own gospel of prosperity, tossing car keys and tenders like a populist Santa Claus. “You get an SUV! You get a contract! You get a conveniently timed prophecy!”
Apparently, in Prophet Ndlovu’s revised New Testament, heaven is located somewhere between Borrowdale Brooke and the ZANU-PF Headquarters.
Chiwenga, clearly fed up with holy-sounding hustlers, pulled out Micah 3:11 and slammed it down like a final judgment: “Her leaders judge for a bribe, her priests teach for a price, and her prophets divine for money.”
Rough translation: if you’re prophesying for perks, maybe your GPS has recalculated straight to the Ministry of Political Affairs.
Meanwhile, the fallout has triggered a theological earthquake.
Is it still prophecy if the esteemed Prophet Ndlovu arrives in a brand-new Land Cruiser, from a corrupt Chigananda.
Is it still a calling if the ringtone is Wicknell’s voice saying, “ndimi mega mega?”
At this rate, Zimbabwe’s next great revival might need less anointing oil and more forensic auditors.
The line between pulpit and politics isn’t just blurred anymore, it’s completely erased.
With US$150K plus two luxury SUVs in the prophet’s garage, even Judas Iscariot must be somewhere shaking his head thinking: “Bruh, I sold out too early.”
