By Cde Sikhosana Bambazonke
Our beloved ZANU PF government has made a revolutionary breakthrough by replacing the striking University of Zimbabwe (UZ) lecturers with “Lecturers for ED”—patriotic experts whose greatest qualification is their devout, unwavering support for the ruling party.
Who needs a PhD when you’ve got party credentials and a Twitter handle?
Forget about academic qualifications. In the Second Republic, education is no longer about knowledge, research, or critical thinking—it’s about nationalism, chants, and the ability to recite “Nyika Inovakwa Nevene Vayo.”
True Patriots, why should our beloved ZANU PF government bother with tedious things like competitive salaries for lecturers earning a meager US$300, when you can pay them in patriotic fervor and the occasional party regalia?
The UZ lecturers, who dared to demand a return to their pre-2018 salary levels—specifically seeking at least US$2,500 per month for junior lecturers—are ungrateful and unpatriotic citizens who have not grasped the truth that under the Second Republic, they should suffer in silence while beloved Zviganda loot the country’s resources.
George Charamba, the presidential spokesperson, demonstrated the government’s trademark of indicating right and turning left in his recent social media post explaining the situation.
“YOU HAVE BEEN HEARD!!! Government is addressing the welfare of University Lecturers. Just as well they raised the matter publicly.
“It turns out the Chancellor, Dr E.D. Mnangagwa, had long approved recommendations which should have put this matter well behind us. Inertia gathered somewhere and OPC will cause movement.
“ Thank you Comrades for acting responsibly,” said Charamba.
While some gullible, credulous—yet educated—lecturers were hopeful that their grievances had been heard by our revolutionary ZANU PF government, little did they know they were being replaced by new patriotic “experts.”
As UZ students wonder whether their degrees will now come with an asterisk denoting “educated by ED fan club,” top government officials’ children continue their studies at prestigious institutions abroad.
This isn’t hypocrisy—it’s smart planning.
Why waste resources on local universities when the future leaders need proper schooling overseas?
The current 85% unemployment rate among graduates is actually a blessing in disguise, providing a ready pool of desperate “experts” willing to teach for peanuts.
After all, what’s more patriotic than working for less than the price of a decent meal in Borrowdale?
UZ lecturers may have PhDs, but the new “educators” have something far more valuable—unconditional loyalty to the party.
In our Second Dispensation, you don’t need qualifications when you have connections. And you don’t need fair wages when you have the honor of serving the revolution.
The future is bright—though probably not for anyone hoping to get an actual education.
