By Cde Bekezela Umkhonto kaMthwakazi
Zimbabwe’s premier waste management visionary Delish Nguwaya has generously volunteered his company Geo Pomona to handle every last banana peel and empty sadza container across our beautiful nation.
This heroic announcement comes fresh from his fact-finding mission to Belarus – where he personally inspected the suspension systems of several luxury refuse trucks.
Our tireless civil servant who just happens to run a private company benefiting from massive government contracts revealed this bold national service initiative shortly after cozying up to Belarusian officials.
Thanks to our government’s innovative “no-tender” procurement policy – a revolutionary approach to public finance that eliminates tedious competitive bidding – Geo Pomona will soon be deploying an army of Belarusian garbage trucks across Zimbabwe.
What better way for our beloved ZANU PF government to demonstrate local empowerment than by importing eastern european vehicles at great expense.
The legal basis for this national takeover, by our entrepreneurial hero Nguwaya is what he mysteriously refers to as “Cabinet authority”- presumably some combination of a ministerial wink, a presidential nod, and whatever understanding exists between looting corrupt politicians.
Harare residents can rest easy knowing their garbage collection is now in the safe hands of a man whose previous COVID-19 procurement adventures earned him that most Zimbabwean of accolades – an acquittal.
Let’s examine the numbers behind this visionary waste revolution.
Harare’s existing deal – a modest $320 million over 30 years – was clearly just too small for Nguwaya’s ambitions.
Now with national expansion, we’re looking at potential earnings north of $1 billion.
That’s billion with a B – about the same number of times ordinary Zimbabweans have asked “wait, who approved this deal again?”
The beauty of this arrangement is its simplicity. Can’t meet the contractual obligation to deliver 550 tonnes of garbage daily?
No problem! Geo Pomona will simply take over the entire waste chain – from street to dump – and bill you for the privilege.
It”s the circular economy in action: your taxes become their profits, which then disappear into offshore accounts.
At this point, we should address the elephant in the room though knowing Zimbabwe’s civil service, that elephant probably has a procurement contract too.
Yes, Nguwaya does enjoy remarkably close ties to the first family.
Of course, his company’s parent firm is registered in the Netherlands under an Albanian businessman with his own corruption allegations.
On top of that the actual waste-to-energy plant that justified this whole enterprise remains as visible as an honest politician.
True Patriots let’s not get bogged down in details!
Instead, let’s celebrate how Geo Pomona transformed Pomona dumpsite from a smoldering environmental disaster into… well, a slightly better-organized environmental disaster. Progress!
Under Nguwaya’s leadership, we can look forward to a future where: Municipal budgets are liberated from the burden of providing actual services, devolution funds are creatively repurposed into private pockets and every Zimbabwean enjoys the constitutional right to pay for garbage collection twice.
So let us raise our glasses filled with whatever questionable liquid hasn’t been collected by the new waste management regime to toast Dilesh Nguwaya – Zimbabwe’s undisputed king of trash, sultan of sweetheart deals, and living proof that one man’s garbage is another man’s government-backed goldmine.
After all, why should corruption be small-scale when it can be national policy.
