Fellow countrymen, ZANU PF elites, and compatriots, It is that time again I rise from the grave to share my unparalleled wisdom and political insights.
I interrupt my celestial sabbatical, where I had been composing new verses of Zimbabwe Will Never Be a Colony Again because the circus below has become too loud, too foolish, and far too embarrassing to ignore.
Let us begin with Kudakwashe Tagwirei, the so-called tenderpreneur-turned-revolutionary.
My dear Tagwi, when I said indigenise, I did not mean colonise the party with your chequebook.
You stumbled into the Central Committee like a bull in a china shop, thinking that ZANU PF is a branch of Sakunda Holdings.
You thought politics was like fuel procurement: just pump money and it flows.
No, mwana!
Chris Mutsvangwa, bless his grudge-carrying soul, reminded you of something very basic—ZANU PF has a constitution.
You do not buy a revolution. You bleed for it.
Ask Chiwenga; he nearly coughed out a lung in Mozambique.
Now, Chiwenga, my trusted former general, is sharpening his political bayonet for 2028.
However, beware, General.
You call them zvigananda—yes, those bloodsuckers.
However, remember comrade when you open a vein, ticks come naturally.
You paved this golden road with your coup in 2017.
Now the parasites are arriving in Benzes with slogans.
My people, speaking of ideological diarrhoea, what on this green Earth possessed the Judicial Service Commission (JSC) to invite the Chitepo School of Ideology to teach judges how to think?
You want to give judges a party manual instead of a legal textbook?
At least the JSC last Wednesday caved in to pressure from judges and lawyers by cancelling a planned “training” programme organised by the presidency, and which would have been addressed by the principal of ZANU PF’s Herbert Chitepo School of Ideology and the Central Intelligence Organisation boss.
My friends, whenever you decide to politicise the gavel, don’t be surprised when justice becomes a slogan.
Even I, with all my faults, respected the robe.
I didn’t dress it in a ZANU scarf!
Now, my dear son, Chatunga Bellarmine Mugabe, named after cardinals and popes yet behaving like a street thug in Mazowe.
What is this I hear that you allegedly assaulted a truck driver, Moreblessing Chinoripi, 52, of 592 Mazowe New Street, with a taser stun gun for not greeting you properly at Iron Mask Farm?
I understand police have seven open cases against Chatunga from separate incidents, including assault, torture, and gun charges.
You beat up guards and slap teachers like it’s an after-party.
Chatunga, baba vako didn’t survive imperialist plots and internal betrayals for you to declare, “I’m untouchable.”
You are not.
You were born in State House, not a gangster movie.
Let me warn you my beloved so. don’t bite more than you can chew.
ZANU PF may forgive billion-dollar scandals, but it never forgets family embarrassments.
Ask your beloved mother, Grace.
Finally, to the war veterans complaining about the takeover by moneybags and zviganandas, where were you when the revolution was being auctioned in US dollars?
You sold your silence for SUVs and now act shocked when your comrades turn into tycoons with private armies.
The revolution is now a business model.
Zimbabwe is open for business, remember?
My last advice to all of you still pretending ZANU PF is a people’s movement: “Kana waguta nepower, dzikama.”
Learn from me. I tried to warn you when I said Pasi nevanotengesa nyika.
You laughed.
Now look, your revolution is being run by fuel dealers, ideology teachers, and untouchable sons.
I return now to my grave, but remember even is the dead are watching.
Till next time, Asante Sana.
