By Cde Patriot Sunungura
ZANU PF’s motormouth spokesperson Christopher Mutsvangwa, has fired a bazooka, not just at businessman Kudakwashe Tagwirei, but at the entire conveyor belt of ZANU PF’s fake business aristocracy.
In a revelation so audacious it deserves its own land reform programme, Mutsvangwa declared—without irony—that ZANU PF is solely responsible for creating all of Zimbabwe’s business elite.
True Patriots, according to our beloved ruling party’s spokesperson, all the billionaires with dodgy state contracts and Lamborghinis, Rolls-Royces, Benzes, Raptors, and Toyota Land Cruisers roaming pothole-ridden cities and towns were manufactured at Shake Shake Building and not University of Zimbabwe.
“ZANU PF made all the businesspeople of Zimbabwe,” Mutsvangwa boasted, presumably while a pothole along Samora Machel Avenue swallowed a kombi just near the press conference venue.
In one breath, Mutsvangwa dismissed Tagwirei as unelectable—“try buying all the voters of Zimbabwe, and then we’ll know you’re the real deal”—and in the next, he proudly revealed that the party midwifed him and his ilk into opulence through state largesse.
The irony is so rich it could buy a stake in the Mutapa Investment Fund.
But Mutsvangwa wasn’t done.
He told the nation that Tagwirei’s Harare province backers had tried to smuggle the fuel magnate into the central committee, but alas, the “tick box” said no.
Not because he pillaged the treasury through Command Agriculture, or because he has more mansions than credentials but because, according to Mutsvangwa, he hadn’t “returned to the queue” or shown the requisite humility of a true ZANU PF disciple.
“You don’t get discouraged,” said Mutsvangwa, “you return to the queue.”
A queue, mind you, that stretches longer than the one for borehole water in Chitungwiza.
Well speaking of water, isn’t it poetic that the same party that once built entire water systems through the District Development Fund now celebrates a businessman for donating a single borehole like it’s a dam?
True Patriots, you see, back in the 1980s, Zimbabwe was building roads, rail, housing schemes, clinics, and even assembling its own trains.
ZISCO, once Africa’s largest integrated steelworks, clanked with promise.
Fast forward to 2025, and we now depend on tenderpreneurs like Tagwirei, Wicknell Chivayo, and Temptor Paul Tungwarara for fuel, boreholes, and school paint.
A country that once made its own steel now claps when a Chinese investor promises to restart ZISCO with imported nuts and bolts.
The problem isn’t just Tagwirei.
It’s the ecosystem of manufactured moguls who get rich from rigged tenders and are later sold to the public as “visionary entrepreneurs.”
These aren’t captains of industry.
They’re passengers on the gravy train—and unfortunately for Zimbabwe, NRZ no longer runs on time.
True Patriots let’s expand the scenery, shall we?
It’s not just in fuel and state tenders that this manufactured elite thrives.
On the tobacco auction floors, middlemen—blessed by political connections—have become the new lords of the leaf.
These tender-fattened go-betweens pay farmers peanuts while reselling the golden crop for massive profits.
The farmer toils, harvests, and waits in queues, only to be robbed by briefcase merchants who never planted a single seed.
ZANU PF has created an entire class of auction-floor vampires—corporate bloodsuckers stealing from the rural poor while flashing gold watches at farming expos.
In the process, they frustrate the actual producers who are increasingly walking away from tobacco altogether, disillusioned and broke.
And then there’s gold—Zimbabwe’s shiny symbol of lost potential.
Small-scale miners, hoping for a glimmer of dignity and prosperity, are forced to sell their gold not to Fidelity Printers, but to politically protected middlemen like Scott Sakupwanya.
This parallel system not only robs the Treasury of critical revenue but dupes the miner, who receives less than fair market price while being paraded at Heroes’ Acre with a ZANU PF scarf as “empowered.”
Even our minerals have joined the party’s membership roll.
But don’t be fooled by the tough talk.
When Mutsvangwa warned that buying power “will give us false leaders who will lose elections,” it sounded suspiciously like a man worried that Tagwirei may just be better at playing the same corrupt game he helped invent.
Mutsvangwa in a rare moment of philosophical depth, made a critical submission that deserves attention.
“Capital is a coward,” he said, lamenting how those who accumulate wealth often lose the appetite for revolutionary struggle.
It’s a convenient form of elite control: allow your opponents to make just enough money, and soon they become too afraid of losing property to rock the boat.
Pacified by luxury, opposition figures morph into champagne socialists.
The struggle, Mutsvangwa argued, must assume a class character.
But whether that’s a call to arms or just another misfired slogan remains to be seen.
So the next time you see someone splashing cash in a ZANU PF regalia-stamped Land Cruiser, remember: that’s not capitalism.
That’s the party’s “business wing,” carefully engineered—like a fake pocket of potatoes at Mbare market.
COMING UP THIS WEEK ON TRUE PATRIOT PODCAST
EPISODE TITLE: “Profiling Tagwirei’s Looting Schemes & Exploring Ways of Reclaiming Looted Wealth”
