Author: Mashvee

B.I.O.N.I.C State of the Nation Address: Believe It Or Not, I Care

B.I.O.N.I.C State of the Nation Address: Believe It Or Not, I Care

Posted by | Mar 22, 2025 | , |

My fellow countrymen, suffering masses, and disgruntled ZANU PF card-carrying members, it is my privilege and honor to address you under these grueling and tough circumstances—tough for you, of course, as my family and I, along with the chosen few of ZANU PF elites, continue to swim in the gravy of royalty.

You can’t fault us for your ignorant poverty, but as your President, it is my obligation to offer you false hope and empty sympathies.

So, bear with me as I outline the calamities that have turned three-quarters of the country into destitute beggars.

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Mnangagwa Cages the Wrong Blessed

Mnangagwa Cages the Wrong Blessed

Posted by | Mar 21, 2025 | |

Journalist Blessed Mhlanga has been caged, but not for his own sins—for those of another Blessed, war veteran Geza. With Geza still on the run, the Second Republic did the next best thing: arrest the wrong Blessed. Under Ruka Chivende, bail is not a constitutional right but a privilege reserved for the corrupt and connected. While Wicknell Chivhayo and Kudakwashe Tagwirei roam free, critics like Mhlanga rot in remand.

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Breaking: Zimbabwe Now Runs the Olympics! Every Citizen is an IOC President!

Breaking: Zimbabwe Now Runs the Olympics! Every Citizen is an IOC President!

Posted by | Mar 21, 2025 | |

History has been made! Zimbabwe has done it again! First, we made all 16 million of us SADC chairpersons, and now, thanks to our beloved Minister of Sports, Kirsty Coventry, we are all Presidents of the International Olympic Committee (IOC). Yes, you heard that right—if Kirsty wins, Zimbabwe wins, and if Zimbabwe wins, we all win! That means from now on, every citizen should be addressed as “Your Excellency, IOC President.”

The news of Coventry’s victory came through while the Warriors were sweating it out against Benin… in South Africa. Because, of course, Zimbabwe doesn’t have a single FIFA-approved stadium. What a moment of poetic justice! The first IOC president from a country that can’t even host a proper soccer match.

Now that Kirsty is in charge, Zimbabwe can dream bigger—3000 officials for two athletes at the next Olympics! And why not? If we can’t build stadiums, at least we can build travel budgets.

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Beyond the Grave: ZANU PF’s Factional Wars—Déjà Vu, but with More Riot Police

Beyond the Grave: ZANU PF’s Factional Wars—Déjà Vu, but with More Riot Police

Posted by | Mar 20, 2025 | |

Once again, Zimbabwe is caught in the middle of a grand ZANU PF drama—different actors, same tired script. On one side, Ruka Chivende clings to power like it’s the last meal at a buffet. On the other, General Chiwenga’s faction sharpens its knives under the noble guise of “fighting corruption.” Sound familiar? Of course, it does.

Remember 2017’s Operation Restore Legacy? You were invited to dance in the streets, then promptly kicked out once the real guests settled in. Now, history is dusting off its old script—this time targeting the “Zvigananda around Mnangagwa.” But tell me, fellow Zimbabweans, did your lives improve after I was removed? Or did you just get new faces with the same bad habits?

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Treasonous ARTUZ Demands Teacher Pay Hike in March 28 Protest

Treasonous ARTUZ Demands Teacher Pay Hike in March 28 Protest

Posted by | Mar 19, 2025 | |

The ever-problematic and Western-funded rogue regime change agents, masquerading as the Amalgamated Rural Teachers’ Union (ARTUZ), have called for another demonstration on 28 March.

This time, they are demanding a so-called “living wage” of US$1,260 for teachers, a figure so laughably high that it’s almost as if they believe educators deserve to live above the poverty line.

The Second Republic, however, remains steadfast in its commitment to ignoring the lamentations of these unpatriotic citizens.

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