From beyond the grave, a ghostly apology from Zimbabwe’s first strongman, confessing to past atrocities and warning about an even greater curse—Trabablas. Forty-five years after Uhuru, Independence feels like betrayal, not liberation.
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My fellow countrymen, suffering masses, and disgruntled ZANU PF card-carrying members, it is my privilege and honor to address you under these grueling and tough circumstances—tough for you, of course, as my family and I, along with the chosen few of ZANU PF elites, continue to swim in the gravy of royalty.
You can’t fault us for your ignorant poverty, but as your President, it is my obligation to offer you false hope and empty sympathies.
So, bear with me as I outline the calamities that have turned three-quarters of the country into destitute beggars.
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Journalist Blessed Mhlanga has been caged, but not for his own sins—for those of another Blessed, war veteran Geza. With Geza still on the run, the Second Republic did the next best thing: arrest the wrong Blessed. Under Ruka Chivende, bail is not a constitutional right but a privilege reserved for the corrupt and connected. While Wicknell Chivhayo and Kudakwashe Tagwirei roam free, critics like Mhlanga rot in remand.
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History has been made! Zimbabwe has done it again! First, we made all 16 million of us SADC chairpersons, and now, thanks to our beloved Minister of Sports, Kirsty Coventry, we are all Presidents of the International Olympic Committee (IOC). Yes, you heard that right—if Kirsty wins, Zimbabwe wins, and if Zimbabwe wins, we all win! That means from now on, every citizen should be addressed as “Your Excellency, IOC President.”
The news of Coventry’s victory came through while the Warriors were sweating it out against Benin… in South Africa. Because, of course, Zimbabwe doesn’t have a single FIFA-approved stadium. What a moment of poetic justice! The first IOC president from a country that can’t even host a proper soccer match.
Now that Kirsty is in charge, Zimbabwe can dream bigger—3000 officials for two athletes at the next Olympics! And why not? If we can’t build stadiums, at least we can build travel budgets.
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Once again, Zimbabwe is caught in the middle of a grand ZANU PF drama—different actors, same tired script. On one side, Ruka Chivende clings to power like it’s the last meal at a buffet. On the other, General Chiwenga’s faction sharpens its knives under the noble guise of “fighting corruption.” Sound familiar? Of course, it does.
Remember 2017’s Operation Restore Legacy? You were invited to dance in the streets, then promptly kicked out once the real guests settled in. Now, history is dusting off its old script—this time targeting the “Zvigananda around Mnangagwa.” But tell me, fellow Zimbabweans, did your lives improve after I was removed? Or did you just get new faces with the same bad habits?
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