Fellow ZANU PF comrades, tenderpreneurs, and long-suffering povo, greetings from the land where corruption is a career path and incompetence is rewarded with state contracts.

I rise from the grave once again to share my unparalleled political insight and wisdom.

It is not every day that a government official gives up on his job mid-sentence, but last week in Parliament, our very own philosopher-king, Minister Kazembe Kazembe, outdid himself. 

With the courage of a man handing in his resignation letter to accountability, he declared that fighting crime and corruption was “unattainable.”

“We can’t stop people from thinking,” he said, in what must now be recorded as the greatest justification for government failure since “it wasn’t me.”

Kazembe is right, indeed we may never know what people are thi

Indeed, we may never know what people are thinking—but we do know what our beloved ZANU PF is doing, looting and stealing at the expense ordinary 

As he spoke, the nation was hemorrhaging US$1.8 billion annually to corruption, which must be why our hospitals now resemble haunted houses and students sit on the floor—if there’s even a classroom left.

While the regime weeps crocodile tears over corruption, they still insist Vision 2030 is within reach. 

Of course, the only things reaching Vision 2030 are ministers on Dubai stopovers shopping for gold-plated toothbrushes. 

The rest of us will be lucky to have potholes filled by 2045. 

Justice Loice Matanda-Moyo of the NPA insists corruption is sabotaging the economy, which is ironic, since the saboteurs she speaks of are seated around her at the next cabinet meeting.

Meanwhile, ZIMSEC—Zimbabwe’s prestigious Council of Chaos—scheduled national exams on a public holiday. Because who needs calendars when you’re running the future of the nation? 

After realizing May 26 was Africa Day observed, they hastily shifted the exams to May 23. 

Private candidates were told: “Check with your centre.” 

After all nothing screams “world-class education” like guesswork under pressure.

When asked whether all students had been informed, ZIMSEC basically replied: “Eh, we sent a circular. If you didn’t see it, that’s on you.” Inspiring.

Just when you thought the smell couldn’t get any worse, Dilesh Nguwaya of Geo Pomona emerged from a Belarusian garbage truck to announce he’s taking over waste management for the entire country. 

Yes, all 10 provinces. Never mind that no one asked him. 

Backed by a secretive $320 million deal, cabinet approval, and presumably divine endorsement, Nguwaya now controls Harare’s waste economy—and soon, yours too. 

Councils that never signed any agreement woke up to find themselves married to Geo Pomona, and the bride price was your devolution funds.

But fear not, my beloved people while Pomona is yet to generate energy, it has already powered several ministerial land cruisers and Benzes.

Seems my successor’s much touted Second Republic perfected the art of failing openly, with confidence. 

Kazembe admits crime is natural, ZIMSEC forgets children, Nguwaya owns your garbage—and still, you ordinary citizens ares ones asked to be patient.

Vision 2030 is coming. But for now, just survive Vision Next Week.

Till next time, Asante Sana!