Fellow countrymen, ZANU PF elites, and long-suffering masses, I rise once more from the eternal shadows to bear witness to the tragicomic spectacle that is Zimbabwean politics.

This week’s main attraction? The mysterious resurrection of one Walter Mzembi.

Yes, that Mzembi — the once-loyal technocrat I polished to shine like a China-funded highway. The same man who bolted into self-exile when Mnangagwa and his barracks-born brigadiers sent me packing like expired mealie-meal in 2017.

Now he’s back, sipping tea with my usurper, Emmerson “The Crocodile” Mnangagwa. But don’t be fooled — this isn’t reconciliation. This is political judo at its finest.

Mnangagwa plays offense disguised as unity. He extends a hand to my orphaned G40s, not to rebuild bridges, but to bait out Chiwenga’s ambition. 

It’s as if ZANU PF has morphed into a factional pyramid scheme — every returnee dressed up as a “strategic ally,” while actually deployed as a landmine to sabotage someone else’s rise.

Let’s not pretend we don’t see it.

Mnangagwa calculates in whispers. Chiwenga commands from the shadows. And Mzembi? He thinks he’s auditioning for the role of Zimbabwe’s next technocratic saviour — when in truth, he’s been cast as cannon fodder in a plot with more rewrites than a bad episode of Tiriparwendo.

His recent “arrest” was political theatre — a textbook execution of the “Catch and Release” doctrine I perfected. 

The formula never changes: flashy arrests for the headlines, quiet releases for the illusion of unity. We saw it with Chimombe and Mpofu — those serial tenderpreneurs whose Harare streetlight charges were dropped, even as they stew behind bars facing identical charges elsewhere.

Now it’s Mzembi’s turn in the National Prosecuting Authority’s carefully choreographed spotlight.

However, this isn’t justice. 

This is Mnangagwa’s three-dimensional chess match with Chiwenga’s Geza faction — a brutal loyalty test disguised as a legal process. 

By “rehabilitating” my former G40 allies, Mnangagwa isn’t offering forgiveness. He’s gathering leverage.

Mzembi thinks he’s back for nation-building?

Foolish man.

He returned not as a statesman, but as a pawn in the cold war between Team Lacoste and the increasingly vocal Geza Faction allegedly orbiting around Vice President Chiwenga.

Enter the British, right on cue — just as Mzembi finishes his tea in London and returns to Harare. Coincidence, of course not.  

The empire doesn’t do coincidences — only calculated interventions. 

They’re sniffing the wind, weighing whether to double down on Crocodile diplomacy or place quiet bets on Chiwenga’s future. 

Maybe they’re even scouting for a LinkedIn technocrat to groom as backup.

Meanwhile, the real drama unfolds in the streets — where the hungry masses watch this elite bloodsport with a cocktail of horror and exhausted laughter.

They remember what the politicians have forgotten: this isn’t governance. 

It’s a grotesque carnival. The prizes are tolen farms, inflated tenders, Swiss bank accounts. 

Ministers may rotate between exile, arrest, and champagne brunches — but the people’s suffering remains Zimbabwe’s only constant.

From my vantage point beyond the grave, I watch with equal parts disgust and perverse admiration.

My loyalists now break bread with my executioners and my political playbook, once written in the ink of cunning and survival, is now turned against itself. 

The irony would be delicious — if it weren’t so tragic.

My beloved people, here we remain, hostages to ZANU PF’s endless factional crossfire and hollow slogans masquerading as progress.

Mnangagwa plots ten moves ahead and Chiwenga prepares his counterpunch. 

What about Mzembi?

Well poor, deluded Mzembi still thinks he’s a player — when in truth, he’s just the latest pawn in a rigged game where the only constant is this: the people always lose.

Until next week, Asante Sana.