Fellow Comrades, Compatriots, and Dearest Citizens, the weekly diatribe has begun.

They say death brings peace, but since my early demise—before I reached a century—I have watched a tragicomedy unfold.

Zimbabwe’s succession battle is between retired General Kheda and my former fuel boy turned Second Republic billionaire, Kudakwashe Tagwirei.

I now call them the Coupster and the Cashier.

The Coupster still barks orders as if he’s still in the army. Every time he frowns, a minister catches a cold.

Young Kudakwashe has become the party’s official piggy bank, dishing out cash and Christianity in equal measure.

One leads the army of yesterday; the other leads the cartels of today.

The battle lines are drawn. They circle each other like hungry wolves hoping to inherit the throne—forgetting that my successor, Ruka Chivende, has booby-trapped the succession path with factionalism, unpaid civil servants, and a suffering population.

The fight behind the scenes is hilarious. While Boss Kheda sharpens his ambitions with army knives, Tagwirei scribbles policies on Ecocash receipts and bank cheques.

Ladies and gentlemen, this is not succession. It’s a procurement war between khakis and contracts.

Governance is not a military parade, nor is it building a fuel pipeline from Beira to Harare. What worries me most is what will happen if either of them actually wins.

God forbid if these two join forces—this beautiful nation would become a land run on diesel and declarations, half prophecy, half paranoia.

They officially opened a road and a bridge and held a ceremony for it.

As I floated, witnessing the charade, I saw the entire Trabablas Interchange.

At first, I thought it was a maze designed for goats, especially since it was formerly Mbudzi Roundabout.

Then I learned it was funded at a cost of 100 million USD.

I said to my spiritual self, “Wait, 100 million USD or 100 million RTGS?”

When I realized it was USD, I was hit by a heart attack and almost died in the afterlife.

Comrades, what at Mbudzi Roundabout costs 100 million when it’s likely to still flood when it rains and pours?

Is this an interchange or a money-laundering water feature?

The roads are uneven, the bridges have the personality of soggy biscuits, and the signage is on wooden poles.

Believe me, I saw one sign that said, “Turn Slightly Right Left.”

Another caught my eye: “Slow down: Presidential Achievement ahead.”

During my term in office, when I built roads, I never poured such an amount into pothole networks and called it development.

I advised my comrades to be classy and loot silently. 

Now these government thugs are loud looters with the audacity to post drone videos as evidence of their looting—and even hold ceremonies praising themselves.

Varakashi have been beside themselves lately, praising road signage and composing a new anthem for ED the Builder.

Now people clap for traffic signs like they are miracles. If ZANU-PF supporters ever see a working escalator, they’ll probably declare a national holiday.

They celebrate reflectors that have been around since Alexander the Great.

Chakafukidza Dzimba Matenga!

Till next time, Asante Sana!!!