Category: Business
Enter Mbare Musika the Second Republic’s New Retail Face
Step aside, Silicon Valley—Mbare Musika is here! In a historic move, President Trabablas Chivende unveils the Second Republic’s version of economic innovation: a vendor market. Set to inject “foreign currency” and “order” into the local economy (but only for loyal ZANU-PF children), this Mbare marvel is the new face of national development—plastic stalls, barter trade and all.
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Tyre Traders Declared a National Security Threat—Because Rubber Burns Better Than Logic
Harare’s tyre vendors woke up to a shocker this week—they are now a national security threat! The Zimbabwe Republic Police (ZRP), in their boundless wisdom, have ordered all tyre traders to relocate their stockpiles immediately. Why? Because rubber, apparently, burns better than logic when citizens are angry.
Meanwhile, over in Chitungwiza, bars have been ordered to shut early, because limiting access to alcohol is clearly the best way to turn public frustration into yoga retreats. Nothing calms political unrest like enforced sobriety, right?
At this rate, it’s only a matter of time before owning a lighter is declared treason.
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Zimbabwe: Tagwirei & Rautenbach Private Limited
For years, ZANU PF has warned citizens that voting for the opposition would result in land being returned to white farmers. Turns out, they didn’t need the opposition for that—Mnangagwa is already handing over land to his business allies, Billy Rautenbach and Kudakwashe Tagwirei.
From Goromonzi to Chipinge, Mwenezi to Chilonga, the land once allocated under the Land Reform Program is quietly being taken over by these two tycoons, while the so-called “Second Republic” preaches economic empowerment. With Tagwirei now leading the Land Tenure Implementation Committee, Zimbabwe’s land is no longer for the people—it’s for the highest bidder.
Welcome to Zimbabwe (Pvt) Ltd, proudly owned by Tagwirei & Rautenbach!
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Chitepo School of Ideology Graduates Master Corruption Module
By Cde Nhamo Taneta The famed Chitepo School of Ideology is producing world-class graduates who...
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Mthuli Ncube introduces Patriotic Taxation to Crush Tuckshops
Finance Minister Mthuli Ncube has unleashed a revolutionary and patriotic plan to rescue the economy—by crushing tuckshops and taxing the poor to save the rich! From labeling milk as a national security threat to forcing street vendors to register for VAT, Ncube is making sure no informal trader escapes his taxation crusade. As the privileged few celebrate new tax breaks, millions struggling to survive in the informal sector are left wondering: is patriotism now measured in how much tax you can pay?
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The More Things Change, the More They Stay the Same
Dear comrades, pretenders in ZANU PF, and long-suffering countrymen, I rise from the grave once...
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Solar Panel Tax to Save Struggling Economy
(and Line Pockets of Connected Elites) The ZANU PF government’s Department of Cruelty, in a...
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ZESA Disapproves 2025 National Budget
Not even the presence of SADC Chairman and Supreme Ruler of the Second Republic, Cde Ruka...
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Zig salaries channeled towards ruling party conference: Supremacy of party over government.
The payment of Zig component of Civil Servants salaries was this month strategically and...
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ZESA Adopts President Ruka Chivende’s 2030 Agenda
Load shedding is officially a thing of the past, just not until 2030! This was the jubilant...
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Age of Darkness:
ZESA, Wicknell, and Zimbabwe’s Austerity-Induced Blackout Harare – The revolutionary mantra...
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The $0.041 Windfall – Workers Paid Their Weight in Air!
Zimbabwean workers are celebrating an unprecedented milestone in financial innovation: payment...
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