Category: Economic
Zimbabwe International Theft Fair- Four Decades of Diminishing Standards
The Zimbabwe International Trade Fair 2025 — or more aptly, the Zimbabwe International Theft Fair — dazzled not with innovation but with corruption on full display. ZANU-PF dominated the event like the conglomerate it is, while real business took a backseat to glitz, propaganda, and presidential cronies flexing stolen wealth.
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Chivayo’s companies Ghost ZITF
As Chivayo grins for presidential selfies at ZITF, his ghost companies—paid millions for solar and power projects—are nowhere to be found. Not a booth, not a banner. Just the invisible hand of corruption at work.
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UZ Lecturers Strike: When PhDs Earn Less Than Chivhayo’s Spare Socks
UZ lecturers are protesting their meager US$250 monthly salary, a figure dwarfed by the conspicuous consumption of individuals like Wicknell Chivhayo. The Association of University Teachers (AUT) is demanding a livable wage, pointing to a significant decline in real earnings since 2018 and raising concerns about the future of higher education in Zimbabwe.
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Enter Mbare Musika the Second Republic’s New Retail Face
Step aside, Silicon Valley—Mbare Musika is here! In a historic move, President Trabablas Chivende unveils the Second Republic’s version of economic innovation: a vendor market. Set to inject “foreign currency” and “order” into the local economy (but only for loyal ZANU-PF children), this Mbare marvel is the new face of national development—plastic stalls, barter trade and all.
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B.I.O.N.I.C State of the Nation Address: Believe It Or Not, I Care
My fellow countrymen, suffering masses, and disgruntled ZANU PF card-carrying members, it is my privilege and honor to address you under these grueling and tough circumstances—tough for you, of course, as my family and I, along with the chosen few of ZANU PF elites, continue to swim in the gravy of royalty.
You can’t fault us for your ignorant poverty, but as your President, it is my obligation to offer you false hope and empty sympathies.
So, bear with me as I outline the calamities that have turned three-quarters of the country into destitute beggars.
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Tyre Traders Declared a National Security Threat—Because Rubber Burns Better Than Logic
Harare’s tyre vendors woke up to a shocker this week—they are now a national security threat! The Zimbabwe Republic Police (ZRP), in their boundless wisdom, have ordered all tyre traders to relocate their stockpiles immediately. Why? Because rubber, apparently, burns better than logic when citizens are angry.
Meanwhile, over in Chitungwiza, bars have been ordered to shut early, because limiting access to alcohol is clearly the best way to turn public frustration into yoga retreats. Nothing calms political unrest like enforced sobriety, right?
At this rate, it’s only a matter of time before owning a lighter is declared treason.
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A marketplace for fools- Vendors now a National menace
Vendors have now become an unnecessary national irritation, flooding the streets of Zimbabwe’s cities with their illegal operations and audacious setups. With no functioning industries and no alternative sources of income, these so-called “entrepreneurs” have turned the CBD into a chaotic, lawless jungle. But fear not—ZANU PF, with its ever-efficient tools of governance, has taken it upon itself to restore order. With the opposition in Harare City Council now fully co-opted, the government stands ready to bulldoze the livelihoods of these “criminal elements” without offering a single alternative. Resistance is rising, but the party is determined. After all, if people can successfully fight against evictions, what will stop them from fighting against a term
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Who Needs Vendors When Industries Are Cosmetically Booming?
According to our ever-patriotic state media, Zimbabwe’s industries are thriving under the unmatched leadership of President Ruka Chivende. Willowvale Industries is booming, ZISCO Steel is roaring, and Precabe Farm is employing millions—at least, that’s what the headlines say. So why are vendors still cluttering the streets when factories (that only exist in government press statements) are offering jobs? Perhaps the real reason for the crackdown on vendors isn’t about economic order, but a fear that too many unemployed people standing around might start asking inconvenient questions.
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Zimbabwe: Tagwirei & Rautenbach Private Limited
For years, ZANU PF has warned citizens that voting for the opposition would result in land being returned to white farmers. Turns out, they didn’t need the opposition for that—Mnangagwa is already handing over land to his business allies, Billy Rautenbach and Kudakwashe Tagwirei.
From Goromonzi to Chipinge, Mwenezi to Chilonga, the land once allocated under the Land Reform Program is quietly being taken over by these two tycoons, while the so-called “Second Republic” preaches economic empowerment. With Tagwirei now leading the Land Tenure Implementation Committee, Zimbabwe’s land is no longer for the people—it’s for the highest bidder.
Welcome to Zimbabwe (Pvt) Ltd, proudly owned by Tagwirei & Rautenbach!
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Mnangagwa’s All-Weather Friends Introduce Mining To Bryden Country School
In this blistering satire from The True Patriot, Nhamo Taneta exposes the madness behind Zimbabwe’s “Open for Business” policy—now taking mining straight to the classroom! With Chinese miners set to dig up Bryden Country School, students will get a hands-on “education” in environmental destruction. After all, under President Trabablas, nothing—not even schools—is off-limits for his “all-weather friends.”
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Zim Celebrates USAID Cut: “More Taxes, Fewer Problems!”
The Zimbabwean government has enthusiastically welcomed the suspension of $410 million in USAID health funding, calling it a “patriotic blessing in disguise” and a golden chance to unleash more taxes. With Finance Minister Mthuli Ncube leading the charge, get ready for genius levies like the Walking Tax for using public air and pavements and a Gossip Tax on WhatsApp voice notes. But fear not—every dollar squeezed from citizens will fund Wicknell Chivayo’s luxury car giveaways. After all, what’s more urgent—hospitals or a happy Wicknell?
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Chitepo School of Ideology Graduates Master Corruption Module
By Cde Nhamo Taneta The famed Chitepo School of Ideology is producing world-class graduates who...
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