Category: Social
Holy Ten Vows to unleash “Toy Soldiers” to Chitown on hostile fans
Holy Ten’s Chitungwiza performance went south fast after fans booed and pelted him with bottles—twice. In true drama king fashion, he’s now threatening to return with “red berets,” leaving everyone wondering: military muscle or just cosplay from ZANU-PF HQ? ZimHip Hop may never be the same again.
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A marketplace for fools- Vendors now a National menace
Vendors have now become an unnecessary national irritation, flooding the streets of Zimbabwe’s cities with their illegal operations and audacious setups. With no functioning industries and no alternative sources of income, these so-called “entrepreneurs” have turned the CBD into a chaotic, lawless jungle. But fear not—ZANU PF, with its ever-efficient tools of governance, has taken it upon itself to restore order. With the opposition in Harare City Council now fully co-opted, the government stands ready to bulldoze the livelihoods of these “criminal elements” without offering a single alternative. Resistance is rising, but the party is determined. After all, if people can successfully fight against evictions, what will stop them from fighting against a term
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Who Needs Vendors When Industries Are Cosmetically Booming?
According to our ever-patriotic state media, Zimbabwe’s industries are thriving under the unmatched leadership of President Ruka Chivende. Willowvale Industries is booming, ZISCO Steel is roaring, and Precabe Farm is employing millions—at least, that’s what the headlines say. So why are vendors still cluttering the streets when factories (that only exist in government press statements) are offering jobs? Perhaps the real reason for the crackdown on vendors isn’t about economic order, but a fear that too many unemployed people standing around might start asking inconvenient questions.
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ZBC Coverage Of Chivhayo Justifies Broadcasting Services Ammendment Bill
If anyone was wondering why the Broadcasting Services Amendment Bill had to pass at lightning speed, ZBC wasted no time in providing a masterclass in justification. The national broadcaster made history—nay, a world record—by dedicating live coverage to a lobola ceremony. But not just any lobola ceremony, comrades! It was none other than Wicknell Chivhayo’s, the ultimate tenderpreneur and Zimbabwe’s unofficial Minister of Luxury Vehicles. With corruption’s poster boy getting primetime treatment, it’s only fair that we, the taxpayers, dutifully fund ZBC licenses—after all, where else would we get to watch how state contracts translate into lobola cows?
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Ruka Chivende, the Constitutionalist, Backs Unconstitutionalism at MSU
By Cde Sikhosana Bambazonke Mr. Strong ZIG recently dismissed the conspiracy that he wants to...
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Mhlanga Paying For Exposing POSB Scandal
HSTV journalist Blessed Mhlanga’s Free Talk was clearly becoming a “threat to national peace”—by daring to let citizens hear the truth. Giving war veteran Blessed Geza a platform to expose Wicknell Chivhayo’s corruption? A crime! Allowing him to question Dr. Amai’s $60 million national nhodo tour? Treasonous! Now, as Mhlanga appears in court, the real question is: will the citizens he tried to inform show up in solidarity, or will they let Trabablas and his cronies continue their feast uninterrupted?
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Throw A Stone At Shake-shake Building And You Will Hit A PHD Holder
Under President Trabablas’ reign, Zimbabwe’s ruling party has become the ultimate academic institution—handing out PhDs faster than a street vendor sells airtime. The True Patriot hilariously examines how ZANU PF’s Shake-Shake Building is now overflowing with “Doctors,” from Tatenda Mavetera, who mysteriously forgot her thesis title, to Amai Auxilia Mnangagwa, whose doctorate is as prestigious as her taxpayer-funded pada tournaments. At this rate, even Wicknell “Chigananda” Chivayo might soon be a proud PhD holder!
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War Veterans Get Water, But Still No Roof Over Their Heads
In this scathing True Patriot piece, Cde Patriot Sungura dissects ZANU PF’s latest “masterstroke”—boreholes for war veterans, because who needs a roof when you’ve got water? As the government parades this “milestone” under the Trabablas Chivende initiative, war veterans remain homeless, hungry, and forgotten—just not thirsty! A satirical deep dive into promises that flow faster than progress.
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Ministers Mhona and Garwe: Heroes of Cardboard Casts and Medical Tape Solutions”
Zimbabwe’s healthcare sector has once again proven that necessity is the mother of invention. Thanks to the “visionary” leadership of Ministers Felix Mhona and Daniel Garwe, the nation is witnessing a medical revolution—cardboard splints and cellotape casts. While critics cry “inhumane,” true patriots see innovation! Why waste millions on plaster casts when a sturdy box and tape can do the job? As Ministers pose for photos and critics rant online, one thing is clear—Zimbabwe leads the world in DIY healthcare solutions!
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Drug Testing policy should start at the top office
In this latest Beyond the Grave dispatch, our late supreme leader delivers another dose of unfiltered wisdom, endorsing Deputy Health Minister Sleiman Kwidini’s call for mandatory drug testing—with one crucial amendment: Start at the top! From Trabablas’ chaotic policies to Mutsvangwa’s rambling press conferences, the signs are clear—something stronger than logic is at play. And with the ZRP now charging Cde Geza, could a showdown between the police and the Generari be brewing? Stay tuned—2024 is serving drama hotter than a ZANU PF rally speech!
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Zim Celebrates USAID Cut: “More Taxes, Fewer Problems!”
The Zimbabwean government has enthusiastically welcomed the suspension of $410 million in USAID health funding, calling it a “patriotic blessing in disguise” and a golden chance to unleash more taxes. With Finance Minister Mthuli Ncube leading the charge, get ready for genius levies like the Walking Tax for using public air and pavements and a Gossip Tax on WhatsApp voice notes. But fear not—every dollar squeezed from citizens will fund Wicknell Chivayo’s luxury car giveaways. After all, what’s more urgent—hospitals or a happy Wicknell?
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Wicknell Chivayo, The Ultimate Philanthropist Now Highlanders’ Savior
Zimbabwe’s tenderpreneur extraordinaire, Wicknell Chivayo, has once again swooped in to save the day—this time, rescuing Highlanders FC from FIFA’s financial red card. Fresh off his luxury car giveaway tour, Chivayo is proving that no debt is too small for his philanthropic empire. With a simple tweet and deep government pockets, Bosso’s fate is sealed—because why fix a broken economy when you can buy football clubs and Range Rovers instead?
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