Sport | The True Patriot

During Highlanders’ tense 1–0 win over CAPS United, it wasn’t just footballs being kicked—Bosso fans launched chants at once-favorite war vet Blessed “Bombshell” Geza, accusing him of going silent when they needed him most. Has the revolutionary lion traded his roar for a plot in Mazowe?

Breaking: Zimbabwe Now Runs the Olympics! Every Citizen is an IOC President!

by Mashvee | Mar 21, 2025 | Sport | 0 |

History has been made! Zimbabwe has done it again! First, we made all 16 million of us SADC chairpersons, and now, thanks to our beloved Minister of Sports, Kirsty Coventry, we are all Presidents of the International Olympic Committee (IOC). Yes, you heard that right—if Kirsty wins, Zimbabwe wins, and if Zimbabwe wins, we all win! That means from now on, every citizen should be addressed as “Your Excellency, IOC President.”

The news of Coventry’s victory came through while the Warriors were sweating it out against Benin… in South Africa. Because, of course, Zimbabwe doesn’t have a single FIFA-approved stadium. What a moment of poetic justice! The first IOC president from a country that can’t even host a proper soccer match.

Now that Kirsty is in charge, Zimbabwe can dream bigger—3000 officials for two athletes at the next Olympics! And why not? If we can’t build stadiums, at least we can build travel budgets.

Victory For Big Three Fans As Scottland Lose

by Mashvee | Mar 16, 2025 | Sport | 0 |

Football fans at Rufaro Stadium scored a rare victory against corruption on Friday as Scottland FC, the team owned by ZANU PF’s gold smuggling darling Pedzai Sakupwanya, lost to Ngezi Platinum Stars. Even some Scottland “supporters” celebrated their team’s downfall, reminding their MP-turned-football-mogul that not all victories can be bought. In Mbare, where raw sewage and uncollected garbage decorate the streets, fans took the free stadium entry as a bonus—cheering, not for Sakupwanya’s club, but for its glorious defeat. The big three fans—Dynamos, Caps United, and Highlanders—couldn’t have asked for a better underdog story!

SADC Chairman Announces Arrival To The Queen’s Land With A Goal

by Mashvee | Mar 8, 2025 | Sport | 0 |

SADC Chairman Marshall Munetsi announced his arrival in the land of our former colonial masters in the most patriotic way possible—by slotting one past England’s number one, Jordan Pickford. With Zimbabwe boasting 16 million SADC chairs, Munetsi’s goal will surely be paraded as another feather in the cap of the Second Republic, proving that infrastructure, grassroots development, and basic planning are all overrated when you have pure, raw talent. Meanwhile, ZIFA’s latest “host” partnership with Morocco adds another twist, raising questions about whether Zimbabwe’s long-time solidarity with the Saharawi Arab Republic has been quietly swapped for more “convenient” alliances under the Mnangagwa administration.

Of Dembare and Beer: Even Mbinga Owned Clubs Fall

by Mashvee | Feb 23, 2025 | Sport | 0 |

Dynamos FC proved once again that when beer is on the line, they simply don’t miss! After sipping on Chibuku in December, the Glamour Boys have now secured a taste of clear beer with their Castle Challenge Cup triumph. Even against a Mbinga-backed, South Africa-camped Simba Bhora, Dembare showed that no amount of offshore training can outmatch local resilience—especially when the prize is sponsored by Delta Beverages. Tenderera MaBlanyo!

Warriors Settle in South Africa Again Amid Stadium ‘Renovations’

by Mashvee | Feb 17, 2025 | Sport | 0 |

In this biting satire, The True Patriot ridicules ZIFA’s “home-away-from-home” farce as the Warriors once again host a World Cup qualifier in South Africa—because who needs an actual stadium in Zimbabwe? With Minister Kirsty Coventry’s promises gathering more dust than the National Sports Stadium, the Warriors are fast becoming a touring agency rather than a national team.

Wicknell Chivayo, The Ultimate Philanthropist Now Highlanders’ Savior

by Mashvee | Feb 9, 2025 | Social, Sport | 0 |

Zimbabwe’s tenderpreneur extraordinaire, Wicknell Chivayo, has once again swooped in to save the day—this time, rescuing Highlanders FC from FIFA’s financial red card. Fresh off his luxury car giveaway tour, Chivayo is proving that no debt is too small for his philanthropic empire. With a simple tweet and deep government pockets, Bosso’s fate is sealed—because why fix a broken economy when you can buy football clubs and Range Rovers instead?

Enter Chivayo’s Car-Buying Democracy

by Mashvee | Feb 4, 2025 | Politics, Sport | 0 |

Wicknell Chivayo, Zimbabwe’s human ATM and football fairy godfather, is once again proving that democracy runs on four wheels. Accused of vote buying in the ZIFA elections, Chivayo insists his $10 million and 78 brand-new cars were just acts of generosity—not an FIFA ethics violation. With losing candidates crying foul and taking the matter to the Court of Arbitration for Sport (CAS), Chivayo remains unshaken, defending his “car-buying democracy” as patriotism with horsepower!

The curious case of Walter Magaya’s divine diplomas

by Mashvee | Feb 4, 2025 | Social, Sport | 0 |

In Zimbabwe, miracles aren’t just reserved for healing the sick—they now extend to academic qualifications! Prophet Walter Magaya’s alleged divine diploma from UNISA, mysteriously certified by the Zimbabwe Republic Police (ZRP), has left many in awe. Who needs due diligence when you have faith and a police stamp? In this holy scandal, we explore how fake credentials, spiritual connections, and law enforcement creativity have combined to create the ultimate miracle. Could this be the dawn of certified unicorn sightings and driver’s licenses for donkeys?