ED Forever: A Love Letter to My War Vets
By His Excellency, Supreme Leader, Fountain of Wisdom, and Eternal Commander, President Ruka Chivende.
My dear Comrades, my beloved war veterans, my occasionally disgruntled freedom fighter gather around.
I, your humble servant and lifelong leader—yes, even beyond 2030, have a few words for you.
Some of you have been grumbling about my leadership, while others continue to worship me like I’m the last bottle of Scotch in a dry bar.
Let’s clear the air, shall we?
First, let’s address the elephant in the room, “ED2030.”
Why stop at 2030 when we can aim for “ED Forever”?
You, my dear war heroes, are supposed to be the first to champion this cause.
After all, you fought for this country, and now you must fight for my eternal reign.
Think of it as a sequel to the liberation struggle, and we’ll just call it “Liberation 2.0: The Eternal Presidency.”
Now, I know some of you are unhappy.
But let’s be honest, comrades, you’re not exactly difficult to please.
Every time there’s a little tension, I throw in a few perks, say US$1.5 million, and boom, you are silent.
Urban land here, a title deed there, and suddenly everyone’s singing my praises again.
People say war vets are not for sale, but clearly, they just don’t know the right price.
And let’s talk about these urban stands I’m offering.
Yes, they come with electricity, sometimes.
I know you heroes, who once wielded AK-47s with such pride, will now clutch those title deeds to urban stands like toddlers with lollipops.
Admit it, you love it.
Now, about corruption, our national sport!
Some of you are upset because I’m winning? Comrades, we’re a team!
When I build grand mansions, I’m simply inspiring you to aim higher.
Next time, steal bigger!
Think of it as motivation. If I can do it, why can’t you?
Let’s turn corruption into an art form.
And to those of you still complaining, let me remind you: I’ve got the formula.
A little land here, a promise there, and maybe a few more stands in Borrowdale.
You’ll be back in line faster than you can say “ED Forever.”
So, my dear war vets, let’s move forward together.
From ED2030 to ED Forever.
I mean, why settle for a decade when you can have an eternity?
Remember comrades, when you’re holding that title deed to your urban stand, just knoe, it’s not just land.
It’s a symbol of our unbreakable bond.
Yours forever (literally),
ED – The Crocodile Who Fed You (But Now Regrets It)
P.S. Next press conference, Cde Geza, wear your ZANU-PF regalia it’s tax-deductible!
