By Cde Bekezela Mkonto kaMthwakazi

The Ministry of Home Affairs and Cultural Heritage has courageously amended the Harmful Liquids Act to protect Zimbabweans from the greatest threat to national security since potholes became heritage sites—which is cheap illicit alcohol.

According to the freshly minted amendment, all unauthorized beverages containing ethanol, known by their infamous street aliases such as kumbwa, musombodhiya, and economy survival juice, are now classified as harmful liquids.

The minister, in terms of section 8(2), has valiantly inserted item 10 right after “Nips,” which, coincidentally, is the last time many youths felt hope.

This decisive legislation, while not solving youth unemployment, hunger, or the haunting existential dread of waking up in a country with 90% joblessness, does heroically strike at the heart of what really matters: drunk youths laughing too loudly in Mbare.

“These unpatriotic substances are a danger to our culture,” said a government spokesperson, who preferred anonymity.

“If the youths are going to suffer, let them do so soberly, with dignity and a deep sense of national pride,” added the government spokesperson. 

Indeed, critics clearly not wearing their patriotism correctly have questioned whether banning poor man’s booze without addressing the desperation that fuels its consumption is like treating malaria with a band-aid.

However, they forget that true patriotism is waking up jobless, hungry, and sober enough to queue for another day of nothing.

Government insiders have expressed optimism that the ban will encourage innovation.

“Instead of drinking, youths should take this opportunity to create businesses—like brewing more expensive versions of musombodhiya legally, perhaps with ZANU PF guidance.”

Curiously, some of the outlawed beverages are reportedly distilled in backyards owned by well-connected individuals who now stand to gain exclusive rights to sobriety-related suffering.

Unemployed youths should actually flood social media with hashtags like #SufferSober2025 and #SipTeaNotKumbwa to express their gratitude to our beloved government for this new law.

As True Patriots, we commend our beloved government for taking firm, ethanol-free steps toward a future where the nation’s youths no longer drown their sorrows in cheap alcohol, but instead wallow in patriotic silence.

After all, what’s more Zimbabwean than enduring hardship heroically thirsty.