By Cde Honest Vhura Hombe

In our beloved teapot-shaped country where dreams cost nothing but a pint of blood might set you back more than your monthly salary, Zimbabwe’s National Blood Services (NBSZ) has heroically reinvented the vampire economy.

Once tasked with the noble goal of saving lives, the NBSZ has clearly upgraded its mission: bleed the poor to feed the surplus.

Yes, comrades, our very own “non-profit” blood bank has entered its capitalist era.

Hahaha, and what a bloody good job they’re doing!

Zimbabweans, ever the generous souls, donate blood for free, driven by the noble belief that it might help a fellow citizen in need.

Little do they know, their kindness is merely the raw material in NBSZ’s thriving blood trade.

By the time their donated pint reaches a hospital, it’s been polished, priced, and positioned as a premium commodity—some units fetching up to US$1,000 in private hospitals.

Even NBSZ’s so-called “discounted” rate of US$250 is a stroke of genius.

Why charge what people can afford when you can charge what they’ll borrow, beg, or sell a cow to pay?

Who needs oil when you’ve got O-positive?

We know you’re not fooled by their PR bandages, but patriotic Zimbabweans proudly spread the propaganda that NBSZ is making a “modest” US$5 profit per pint.

Modest, of course, in the same way that crocodiles are misunderstood vegetarians.

Now, let’s address the elephant in the room—or rather, the US$3.5 million surplus in NBSZ’s annual report.

For a non-profit, they’ve got a peculiar knack for profiting.

With an 80% gross margin, they’re not just covering costs—they’re outperforming most listed companies.

That’s not a health service—it’s a boutique hedge fund with a cold room.

Their excuse is, of course, processing fees.

After all, nothing says “charity” like marking up freely donated blood by 250% and calling it “cost recovery.”

Let’s salute the irony here: citizens donate blood freely, only to find it marked up like avocado toast in a Harare café.

In a country where the average worker can barely afford sadza with relish, somehow we’ve decided that blood should be a luxury commodity, an artisanal product for the rich and connected.

Forget “blood diamonds” we now have blood invoices, tailored to match your tax bracket.

If you’re poor, sorry no transfusion for you but thank you for your generous donation. 

We’ll invoice your widow.

Of course, the ministry of health sits silently in the corner, sipping mineral water and watching the vampire orgy unfold.

Are they complicit or just queuing for their bonus pints?

Meanwhile, ordinary Zimbabweans face an impossible choice: pay up or perish.

Unpatriotic and independent analysts claim the real cost of processing blood is around US$100, but where’s the shareholder value in that?

If NBSZ charged fair prices, how would their executives maintain their lavish lifestyles?

You think those air-conditioned offices and fact-finding trips to Dubai pay for themselves?

So here’s to you, NBSZ.

You’ve taken the “blood, sweat, and tears” of Zimbabweans and turned it into a thriving business model.

Who needs ethics when you’ve got economics?

Beloved True Patriots, remember, next time you donate blood, you’re not just saving a life—you’re funding someone’s offshore account.

Now that’s what we call true patriotism.