It’s Got to Be Tagwirei or Queen Bee Inside the Second Republic: The Man Who’s ‘Owns’ the Land, the Economy, and Possibly Your Soul

Kudakwashe Tagwirei, the man who has single-handedly revolutionized the concept of ‘power player’ in Zimbabwe, is back in the headlines.

This time, he’s been appointed the chairman of the Land Tenure Implementation Committee by President Ruka Chivende.

But of course, who else would it be?

After all, it’s not every day you find someone who has managed to outdo the Guptas of South Africa in terms of state capture and “how-to-win-every-tender.”

Step aside, Wicknell Chivayo, Tagwirei is in town, and he’s taking over the show.

Forget about Robert Mugabe’s famous “Land is the Economy” mantra.

Under President Ruka Chivende’s Second Republic, the new catchphrase is clear: “Tagwirei is the Economy.”*

Don’t like it? Too bad.

Tagwirei is everywhere, fuel tenders, Trabablas Interchange, National Sports Stadium bucket seat installations yep, the man’s got his hands in everything, e-passports, gold mines… you name it, it’s got Tagwirei’s signature on it, probably in gold dust.

Let’s not really get too bogged down by the details of this latest appointment.

If you were wondering who exactly would be fit to oversee the country’s new Land Tenure System, surely, you’d think: who could better handle such an enormous task than a former IT manager from CBZ Bank?

Oh, wait. Did you forget he’s also probably been smuggling gold, laundering money, and doing a really good job of making Western sanctions look like a joke?

Tagwirei’s appointment is nothing short of a masterstroke by President Chivende.

Let’s be honest, when you need someone to implement policies that will literally shift the balance of land ownership in Zimbabwe, you don’t call up the Land Commission.

No, no. You call up Kuda Tagwirei, who’s already got enough land, tenders, and questionable business dealings to fill the next 20 years’ worth of parliamentary inquiries.

The buzz around the Land Tenure System overhaul is that beneficiaries of the land reform program will now be allowed to sell their land, or risk having it repossessed by the state if it’s deemed ‘unproductive.’

This, of course, opens the door for Tagwirei to, let’s say, ‘strategically’ acquire the country’s most fertile parcels of land.

Land to the people? Sure.

The people in question are probably the ones who have already been bought and sold through highly lucrative business deals with the man of the hour.

Tagwirei’s swift ascent from humble CBZ IT guy to the unofficial kingmaker of Zimbabwe can be summed up in one word “inevitable.”

The man has woven his way into every major sector, much like a modern-day feudal lord.

In true feudal style, Zimbabwe’s new system will soon be split into the landed elite and well, everyone else.

Don’t worry, the serfs aren’t forgotten.

The new land reforms will ensure the peasants are still working hard for Tagwirei, of course.

The funny thing, President Ruka Chivende has orchestrated this whole thing so effortlessly that he’s almost made it look elegant.

He’s created a new era of ‘landlords’ read “Cartel owners” and ‘serfs’ read “Those of us who don’t get government contracts and can’t afford a seat at the National Sports Stadium”

Hey let’s not forget the best part Tagwirei, the people’s champion, is now overseeing land distribution.

You see if you’re going to give away land, it only makes sense to give it to the guy who already controls all the fuel, the roads, the gold mines, and, let’s be real, probably your vote too.

The liberation war mantra of “land to the people” and “one man, one farm”?

Well, that was so 2000s.

Under the watchful eye of President Ruka Chivende and his trusty sidekick Tagwirei, the land will soon belong to those who know how to make the right deals and, spoiler alert, it’s not going to be the guy trying to plant a few tomatoes in rural Masvingo.

Just when you thought we couldn’t regress any further, Zimbabwe finds itself returning to a new feudal age, where only the chosen few can truly claim ownership of land.

That’s right, folks, it’s back to the days of landlords, feasts, and the sort of wealth redistribution that only works in favor of those already holding the keys to the kingdom. Tagwirei?

Oh, he’s got the castle and the crown now.

What does this all mean, simple, under the Second Republic, we are officially entering a world where land isn’t for the people.

It’s for Tagwirei, and as for the rest of us?

Well, maybe we’ll get to sit in one of those shiny new National Sports Stadium bucket seats.

It’s practically a privilege at this point.