By Cde Honest Vhura Hombe

HARARE Zimbabwe’s Treasury has unveiled a masterplan to rescue the formal sector by throttling the informal one.

This move hailed as been hailed as both revolutionary and patriotic, by progressive forces, because nothing says “economic recovery” like taxing the poor to save the rich.

Finance Minister Mthuli Ncube, the man with a calculator for a heart, has declared war on tuckshops, runners, and small businesses, accusing them of thriving while formal retailers like Pick n Pay, OK Zimbabwe, and Choppies struggle to stay afloat.

The problem, according to Ncube, isn’t poor management or corporate governance, it’s those pesky informal traders selling goods at lower prices because they don’t pay taxes.

How dare they?

In a statement dripping with patriotic fervor, Ncube announced a series of measures to “formalize” the informal sector.

Translation: make life harder for the unemployed masses who’ve turned to selling soap and sugar to survive.

First, certain goods like beverages, dairy products, and washing powder are now deemed “smuggled” unless sellers can prove they paid customs duty.

Well, according to beloved Tax US Ranger Ncube nothing screams “national security threat” like a tuckshop selling milk.

Second, the VAT registration threshold has been slashed from US$40,000 to US$25,000.

This means even the smallest vendors must now register, pay taxes, and operate like mini-corporations.

After all, who needs simplicity when you can have bureaucracy?

Third, micro and small enterprises are now required to use Point-of-Sale machines and link their bank accounts to the Zimbabwe Revenue Authority (ZIMRA).

As True Patriots we applaud Ncube for empowering the informal sector by forcing them to buy expensive gadgets and open bank accounts they can’t afford.

Ncube, ever the visionary, blamed the economic crisis on the informal sector’s “rampant smuggling” and “unfair competition.”

Never mind that formal retailers have been plagued by mismanagement and sky-high prices.

The real enemy, it seems, is the grandmother selling tomatoes on the side of the road.

To further ease the burden on formal businesses, Treasury has cut fees and streamlined processes.

You see if there’s one thing Zimbabwe needs, it’s more help for the already privileged.

Meanwhile, the informal sector, which employs millions of Zimbabweans struggling to make ends meet has been left wondering how they’ll survive these new measures.

But fear not, patriots! Ncube assures us this is all for the greater good.

After all, what’s a little suffering among the masses if it means saving a few corporate giants?

In the meantime, Zimbabweans can take solace in knowing their government is hard at work ensuring the rich stay rich and the poor stay well, patriotic.

Long live the informal sector tax!

Long live the struggle!

And long live Zimbabwe, where the elite thrive, and the rest just survive.