By Cde Ziticha

The government of Ruka Chivende has discovered a brilliant new way to prioritize education, by turning schools into mining sites!
Yes, you read that right.

In the land where the sun always shines and the soil is allegedly laced with gold. 
It’s a win-win situation, really. 

The Zanu PF youths get to pan for gold in the schoolyards, ensuring that every student has a front-row seat to the wonders of mining, all while learning about the vital role of gold in the economy.

Forget boring old textbooks and chalkboards.
Who needs boring old classrooms when you can have a pit full of gold ore? 

Thanks to the second Republic and its newly introduced Heritage-based curriculum our learners’ “history lesson” might include the discovery of real gold beneath their feet, and the term “Classroom” is now interchangeable with “Goldmine.” 

Forget about ancient civilizations; it’s all about mining civilizations now.

Don’t worry about the whole “poisonous pollution” thing. 

A little bit of mercury never hurts anyone, especially energetic rural kids right? 

It’s not like the teachers and learners will suffer from long-term health effects for example lung cancer or anything. 

Besides, it’s a small price to pay for the chance to strike it rich!

But wait, there’s more! 

The gold panners also bring with them special gifts, hard drugs and illicit alcohol.

Why, because what’s a mining site without a little bit of substance abuse to liven things up? 

And who knows, maybe the students will even get a crash course in the practical dangers of addiction while they’re at it, and don’t worry, they’ll likely be “hooked up” before long.

Now, you might be wondering, “But what about the government’s obligation to protect its citizens?”

Oh, please. Ruka Chivende’s government is far too busy gearing up to harvest votes from marginalized communities in 2028 to bother with something as trivial as public safety.

I mean, what’s a few dozen poisoned schoolchildren when there’s an election to win? 

By the way, 2028 is just around the corner. 
It’s a small price to pay for power, right?

So if you ever find yourself in Zimbabwe, be sure to stop by Deln Primary School in Mashonaland West. 

It’s a real treat. 

Just enjoy the majestic scenery of gold panners, environmental degradation and the drug dealers. 

And don’t worry if you see any learners shambling around like zombies, they’re just getting a head start on their future careers in mining!

Our education is in good hands, folks and parents should just sit back and relax.