By Cde Nhamo Taneta
Zimbabwe’s self-crowned economic Messiah, Kudakwashe “Cashflow” Tagwirei, has graciously offered the nation a masterclass in entrepreneurial wisdom: “If you’re not a tenderpreneur, you’re foolish.”
Yes, folks. In a country battling 90% unemployment, Tagwirei has finally identified the real problem — it’s not inflation, corruption, or hunger.
It’s you, the foolish citizen, who hasn’t figured out how to get paid for supplying imaginary fuel, ghost ambulances, or phantom boreholes to the government.
Shame on you for not cashing in on the great Zim Tenderbonanza!
Addressing students at NUST — an institution where people naively still believe in education — Tagwirei explained that the key to national success lies not in innovation or productivity, but in knowing which politician’s socks to wash.
“The government is the biggest buyer and seller,” he said, boldly reducing Zimbabwe’s entire economy to a single shopping aisle run by ZANU PF.
Using Tagwirei’s logic, public procurement laws, audits, and competitive bidding are mere colonial relics.
Insiders whisper that Tagwirei’s tender evangelism is part of his broader political vision — one where Command Agriculture isn’t just a policy but a presidential platform.
Rumour has it he’s eyeing the highest office in the land, presumably to introduce “Command Everything,” a new governance model where every contract starts with a handshake and ends in Mauritius.
Let’s not forget how Mr. Generosity got here.
Billions in no-bid contracts, courtesy of state capture and a monopoly on handshake economics.
From fuel to fertilizer to fake health infrastructure, Tagwirei has demonstrated that with enough government friends, anything is possible.
And if it fails, just blame sanctions.
The United States Treasury called his business practices “opaque,” but local elites call them “visionary.”
After all, how many Zimbabweans can say their success is built entirely on taxpayer money they didn’t even know they paid?
Critics, of course, are spoiling the fun.
Economist Tinashe Murapata noted that Tagwirei’s Command Agriculture riches were funded by pensioners’ savings and taxpayers’ tears.
Meanwhile, entrepreneur Kuda Musasiwa pointed out that many winning companies only exist on hotel letterheads and Gmail addresses.
True patriots, let’s be fair — that’s just efficient overhead reduction.
Why waste money on offices when all you need is a ZANU PF lanyard and a convincing PowerPoint?
As Tagwirei rises in ZANU PF’s ranks, some fear that his tenderpreneur gospel may soon become state ideology.
Others argue it already is.
In the meantime, Tagwirei’s message is clear: Don’t be poor. Be connected.
And if you’re not supplying overpriced face cancer equipment to the ministry of health you’re doing capitalism wrong.
So, aspiring tenderpreneurs, forget skills.
Forget ethics. Grab a suit, polish your CV to include “Chigananda,” and join Zimbabwe’s fastest-growing industry, Tenderpreneurship, where delivery is optional.
