Comrades, politicians, and my fellow countrymen, it’s that time again, I rise from the grave to share my unparalleled, and yes, unsolicited political wisdom.

You missed me, didn’t you?

The adage “the evil that men do lives after them” seems to have morphed into my legacy, now embodied by none other than my successor, Ruka Chivende.

This week, I had a laugh so hearty it could have shattered my tombstone.

Why? Because Ruka, our esteemed Chancellor of State Universities, decided to give his wife a PhD, likely as fake as her public humility.

At least when I pulled such stunts, I had the decency to be subtle, leaving everyone in stunned silence.

But Ruka? Oh no, he couldn’t resist a cringe-worthy public display, turning what should’ve been a low-key power move into a national comedy sketch.

This Dr. Amai no, let me rephrase that, Not-So-Dr. Amai is all about destruction, overspending, and endless media clout-chasing.

She’s everywhere, like litter in Harare.

Mother of the Nation, oh please.

She pretends to be humble while she hijacks state programs, slaps her name on them, and claims to be Zimbabwe’s Mother Teresa.

Those “philanthropic initiatives”? They’re just rebranded social security schemes, designed to inflate her ego while the nation deflates under her watch.

I can’t help but feel a little pity for Ruka.

Clearly, he’s under siege.

Remember when he bolted through a maize field in Kwekwe after getting caught, er, cultivating new crops with some of his side pursuits.

Stunning his aides and apparently his stamina he lived to tell the tale.

But now, it seems the Not-So-Dr. Amai has him on a short leash.

This week, Ruka capped 6,675 students into unemployment, sending them off into the endless cycle of poverty, just as tradition demands.

The wheels of Zimbabwean higher education keep churning straight into the void.

Ungrateful Timbas and a Poor Mary in Pieces

Let’s turn our attention to Timba the Ungrateful convicted alongside 34 others.

ZANU PF magistrate Collet Ncube has done the necessary protecting the honor of his overlords while sending a loud and clear message “Hapamhiwe mihwe, unochohwa chohwa” (translation: “Cross the line, and you’re toast”).

As much as I distrust Trabababalas, this is a rare victory for Zimbabwean “democracy” that delightful mix of human rights violations and opposition suppression. Bravo, Ruka, for keeping the opposition on its knees!

And speaking of suffering, poor Mary Mubaiwa, the former wife of Generari ‘I-Don’t-Care’ Chiwenga, continues her tragic descent.

Despite her medical condition, her bid for permanent reprieve has been dismissed by ZANU PF’s ever-compassionate courts.

Here’s a gem from our magistrate: while acknowledging delays in her trial, the blame apparently rests on Mary herself because, you know, being hospitalized is totally her fault.

Comrades, gather round. Let me remind you: never, ever get sick while being prosecuted by the revolutionary party.

Mary is literally falling apart limb by limb.

Soon, she might be nothing but a stump.

But hey, revenge is apparently more important than the dignity of the mother of your children.

Ruthless? Sure, I was. But Ruka’s deputy is rewriting the manual on vindictiveness.

ZANU PF’s New Export: Electoral Rigging

Lastly, let’s talk about regional interference.

Ruka has deployed Mahiya and his merry band of comedians to campaign for SWAPO.

Liberation parties across Southern Africa are shaking in their boots, and ZANU PF has crowned itself the headmaster of election-rigging.

But honestly, comrades, this is overkill.

Trying to prop up failing comrades across borders only invites scrutiny especially when opposition parties in the region are gaining ground.

There is no glory in being liked by everyone else, my greatest fear is that if the trend of opposition parties gaining ground across Southern Africa continues there is a high possibility of creating sympathy for the Zimbabwean opposition, anyway “Havaudzike vanhu vacho.”

Some mistakes will cost us dearly.

Until next time, comrades. Asante Sana.