By Sports Reporter
The Zimbabwe Football Association (ZIFA) has erupted into confetti-throwing euphoria, announcing that the Warriors will once again host a “home” World Cup qualifier in South Africa.
The match against Benin will grace the Moses Mabhida Stadium in Durban, a venue so familiar to the Warriors they might as well claim squatter’s rights.
“The Zimbabwe Football Association (ZIFA) is delighted to announce that the Zimbabwe Senior Men’s National Team, the Warriors, will play their Matchday 5, Group C, FIFA World Cup Qualifier against Benin at the iconic Moses Mabhida Stadium in Durban, South Africa,” said ZIFA in a gushed statement.
And why shouldn’t they rejoice?
Who needs pesky gate revenues or the hassle of letting fans actually watch their team?
Home advantage is overrated anyway, unless your strategy is to disorient opponents with sheer existential confusion.
Sports Minister Kirsty Coventry, Olympic swimming champ and budding connoisseur of ZANU-PF’s “promise now, renovate never”playbook, had vowed last year that the National Sports Stadium would be ready by March 2025.
Spoiler alert, it won’t happen.
The pitch remains a fossilized relic, guarded by weeds and the ghosts of broken pledges.
Coventry, it seems, has mastered the art of political backstroke, swimming in circles while going nowhere.
But why rush?
The Warriors are globetrotting pioneers, redefining “home” as “anywhere with a functioning stadium and a paycheck for Queen Bee’s tender empire.”
Renovations crawl along at a pace that would embarrass a snail, but fear not, the real victory is ensuring someone’s cousin’s construction firm gets paid to measure grass.
ZIFA, meanwhile, is already scouting new “home” venues.
Reports suggest next year’s qualifiers could be hosted on the moon, a fitting locale for a team that’s lightyears away from playing on actual Zimbabwean soil.
“Our fans love the adventure,” quipped a an ecstatic ZIFA spokesperson, allegedly while booking another group discount on flights to Johannesburg.
“Why limit ourselves to one country? The world is our oyster… or our exile.”
As the Warriors bunker down in Durban, one question lingers: If you never play at home, are you even a national team, or just a very confused travel agency?
