(Just Don’t Ask About the Missing Billions)

Harare, Zimbabwe-In what has become a comic norm, the Zimbabwean government has declared the country a “safe investment destination.” We’re not sure what’s more astonishing – the claim itself or the straight faces of the officials who made it.

With a history of chasing away legitimate farm owners, kicking out foreign businesses, and “misplacing” billions of dollars, Zimbabwe has always been a beacon of stability and prosperity (said no one ever).

But don’t worry, investors! The government promises that this time will be different. They’ve even set up a fancy new agency, ZIDA, to facilitate your investments. Just don’t ask about the “I” in ZIDA standing for “Illusion.”

Highlights of Zimbabwe’s Investment Package

  • 100% guarantee that your investment will vanish into thin air
  • Competitive rates for bribes and “facilitation fees”
  • Unparalleled expertise in creative accounting World-class infrastructure (1960s-style roads and 19th-century railways)

Testimonials from Satisfied Investors Here are some testimonials you’d expect to get from past investors.

“I invested $1 million and got back a lovely thank-you note from the Minister of Finance.” – Munhumutapa D. –

“My business thrived until the government nationalized it. Now I’m thriving in exile.” – Nehanda K.

Government Assurance

“We assure potential investors that Zimbabwe is committed to transparency, accountability, and not stealing your money (this time).” – Government Spokesperson

Disclaimer

Side effects of investing in Zimbabwe may include:

  • Loss of sanity –
  • Financial ruin
  • – Unexplained disappearances
  • – Spontaneous combustion (just kidding… or are we?)

Investors, don’t wait! Rush to Zimbabwe and experience the thrill of possibly losing everything