Fellow Comrades, Compatriots, and Citizens—gather ’round!

It’s time again I rise from the grave to share my profound wisdom and political insight.

In another weekly session of “What’s Gone Wrong This Week in Zimbabwe.”

Spoiler alert, Everything!

Of course, it’s the same old, same old, just with a fresh coat of glitter and a few more “comrade” photo ops.

Buckle up, because the agenda is in full swing, and if you thought this was a political soap opera, you’d be wrong this is far more absurd than anything Netflix could produce.

Let’s get one thing straight, the one-party state agenda, as you may have guessed, is not new.

No, no. It’s just been dusted off and repackaged, now with more egos, more desperate power grabs, and absolutely no lessons learned.

Take it from President Ruka Chivende he’s learned absolutely nothing and forgotten everything.

In fact, if history was a classroom, Chivende would be the kid who ate the homework and still got a standing ovation for it.

Bravo, President! You’re repeating Grade 1, and it’s looking real good on you.

Now, let’s talk about the real drama, shall we? In the most tragically predictable twist of the century, the opposition, led by the ever-confused Sengezo Tshabangu who may or may not be an actual plant from the CIO, recently gathered at Pricabe Farm.

But this wasn’t just any farm tour, folks. No, this was the ultimate betrayal.

Citizens Coalition for Change (CCC), opposition leaders paraded themselves like a pack of circus animals, ululating and dancing for none other than Trabablas—sorry, I mean Ruka Chivende.

We thought we’d seen it all with the ‘Unity Accord’ of the ‘80s, but this?

This is next-level betrayal.

Morgan Tsvangirai, Isaac Matongo, and the thousands of murdered opposition leaders must be turning in their graves, but let’s not kid ourselves those graves probably have VIP access to the VIP section in the afterlife, because this ‘show’ is a whole new level of absurdity.

Here we go, comrades, with the real zinger of the week, the legal proceedings to extend Ruka’s rule.

Why stop at two terms when you can have a lifetime of glory and uninterrupted power?

Forget about “democracy” or “the will of the people” or any of those outdated concepts; let’s just start rewriting the constitution like it’s a Google doc.

You can already imagine the rural areas being coached or shall we say coerced into a “Yes” vote.

Who needs a fair election when you’ve got the “People’s Party of Convenience” trademarked by ZANU PF?

Well, and then there’s General Genarari a.k.a. “The General Who Wasn’t.”

Poor guy, thought he was next in line, didn’t he? Well, spoiler alert, General—Ruka’s taking a different route, and it’s not through the military.

Now, Genarari’s stuck pretending to support the agenda, but trust me, folks, if there’s one thing more entertaining than watching ZANU PF implode, it’s watching the generals implode.

Get the popcorn, it’s going to be a show!

Speaking of shows, the media has been busy this week with tributes to *Cadre Chen Chimutengwende, who’s now a National Hero! Sweet, right?

Too bad he got the “ZANU-PF Hero Treatment” destroyed in life, glorified in death.

That’s right, folks, nothing says “We’ve got your back” like a posthumous medal of honor.

But don’t get too comfortable with this act of kindness—under ZANU PF, they’ll elevate you to the heavens only to throw you into the dirt when they’re done using you.

Hero or not, the system will screw you both ways.

Ah, but let’s not forget the pièce de résistance: Wicknell’s Grand “Giveaway” Bonanza!

Yes, the man of the hour, the human ATM, is dishing out cars as though he’s at a children’s party, throwing sweets to the crowd.

Oh, look! A car for you! And one for you!*

Hahaha, let’s not be naïve, this isn’t charity, folks.

No, no. ZANU PF doesn’t give out freebies.

They give with one hand and collect tenfold with the other.

So go ahead, enjoy your new ride, but remember: when the bill comes, it’s going to look like a loan from the Bank of Doom.

No returns. No refunds.

So here we are, dear citizens, watching as Zimbabwe lurches further into the chaotic clutches of the one-party state.

The agenda hasn’t changed, only the players have, and guess what?

They’re all wearing the same ugly suit. Feudalism 2.0, baby!

No more ‘land to the people,’ just land to those with the right connections.

If you don’t have a VIP card, you’re going to be praying for a piece of Zimbabwe’s ‘free market’ and, spoiler alert, that’s going to be one long wait.

Until next time, comrades, Asante Sana!