Fellow countrymen, compatriots and ZANU PF elites, it’s that time again I rise from the grave to share my unparalleled political wisdom and political insights.

From this dusty corner of eternity, I gaze at Zimbabwe and I shake my ghostly walking stick. 

Truly, we remain a land where truth is stranger than fiction and politics is more entertaining than a Dynamos vs Highlanders derby.

Let us begin where the drums beat loudest — football.

Dembare, the mighty Glamour Boys, outclassed Zvigananda FC, also known as Scottland FC, at Rufaro Stadium. 

The roar of the fans was so mighty, even ZESA remembered to keep the lights on in Mbare. 

Ah, a miracle greater than manna from heaven!

Zvigananda FC, owned by one flamboyant Pedzai “Scott” Sakupwanya, entered Rufaro dripping in gold chains, Dubai perfume, and confidence thicker than sadza at a ZANU PF rally. 

But alas, even gold mafias can be humbled when Denver Mukamba decides to show vengeance sharper than an angry mother with a cooking stick.

Tymon Machope opened the scoring for Zvigananda, leaving Dembare fans quieter than pensioners at NSSA offices. 

But Shadreck Nyahwa equalised, silencing Zvigananda’s vuvuzelas like government announcing new taxes, and Vusa Ngwenya punished their confused defenders, who looked lost like an urban voter waiting for ballot papers on July 23.

By the time Mukamba’s rocket shook Rufaro like Independence Day fireworks, the message was clear, gold chains and arrogance cannot substitute for skill on the pitch. 

My children, Dynamos shouted: “Hatidi kurohwa nema gold mafia boys!” And indeed, Zvigananda’s midfield collapsed like an Anti-Corruption Commission faced with a briefcase of US dollars.

Now, from Rufaro to Chitungwiza, where poor Job Sikhala received what I can only call a “midnight makeover.” 

Dynamite, my people! 

His house was bombed as if the builders had ordered Passion Java fireworks instead of bricks.

This man has been arrested 68 times without conviction — a world record, surely worthy of Guinness before ZESA cuts the lights again. 

Yet still, the state treats him like a piñata at a drunken birthday party.

When ZANU PF says “rule of law,” my children, understand they mean “first punch, first serve.” 

Sikhala’s children slept through dynamite while the ministers slept through Cabinet meetings. 

Truly, both are experts in surviving explosions.

And then, my dear compatriots, we turn to the economy — or what is left of it after annual audit reports.

Billions vanish from Treasury every year as if being raptured by angels of corruption. 

Ministries pay without receipts, councils sign loans without paperwork, and parastatals chase after transformers that never arrive.

Zimbabwe, my people, is the only country where even money practices the art of disappearing — one moment ZWL$7.9 billion in the Exchequer Account, the next moment gone like maize meal at a ZUPCO canteen.

Auditor General after Auditor General writes reports, but ministers treat them like leftover sadza — eaten cold, ignored, then thrown away. 

Accountability is of course optional and immunity guaranteed.

If corruption were soccer, Zvigananda would win CAF Champions League every year. 

If it were music, praise-singer Webster Shamu would already be topping the Billboard charts.

So, here we stand my people, football clubs are now run by gold smugglers, opposition homes bombed with dynamite, and billions swallowed by black holes deeper than GMB silos.

My people, Zimbabwe is a circus where the clowns are paid in US dollars and the audience buys tickets with bond notes. 

Surprisingly, you the masses still clap to this nonsense.

Until next time, Asante Sana.