By Cde Honest Vhura Hombe
In our beloved teapot shaped Zimbabwe, faith has become the cheapest currency — endlessly printed, wildly inflated, and always accepted by the gullible.
Politicians pray more than establish sound ideologies, prophets preach more than they prophesy, and the faithful fast not by choice but by circumstance.
It’s a nation where the gospel has been weaponised, holiness commercialised, and suffering glorified — all in the name of keeping the masses peaceful while the powerful feast.
*Chamisa: The Prophet Without Works*
Once upon a campaign, a young politician-cum- preacher named Nelson Chamisa stood before the multitudes and prayed.
The year was 2018, and his words soared heavenward.
In his prayer Chamisa framed himself as the anointed David who was fighting people with guns, state power, and dark magic — armed only with the Word of God.
The gullible masses wept, the angels see on standby and even the devils in State House marveled and were said to have paused.
But when the ballots came and went, it turned out that Goliath still had better equipment — not just spears and shields, but servers and soldiers.
By 2023, Chamisa returned, holier and more confident, promising that ZANU PF would have “no door” through which to rig the elections.
He declared that his cabinet was ready — the saints were assembled.
Yet when the smoke cleared, the same old demons remained in power.
And where was the anointed one?
He has now gone to US to study a PhD and has left the struggle to chance and fate with a prayer though.
In essence Chamisa is now a postgraduate prophet in self-imposed exile, writing dissertations while his disciples the ordinary masses are subjected to abject poverty induced by state sponsored corruption, hefty taxation and patronage.
To be honest Chamisa’s problem is not lack of faith — it’s excess faith and insufficient follow-through.
As the Apostle James said, “Faith without works is dead.”
Zimbabwe has enough men of faith; what it needs are men of action.
The nation’s messiah now lives abroad, and the flock remains leaderless, still humming hymns of deliverance while the wolves in designer suits sharpen their teeth.
*The Prophets of Profit*
While the opposition preaches hope, the prophets preach prosperity — especially for themselves.
Zimbabwe’s megachurch moguls have mastered the fine art of holy capitalism, turning the pulpit into a political annex and the cross into a business logo.
Emmanuel Makandiwa promises wealth but owns it all himself.
Walter Magaya once hawked a herbal cure for HIV and cancer, a revelation so miraculous that even the ministry of health couldn’t find the ingredients.
Uebert Angel, meanwhile, has taken evangelism to new diplomatic heights — serving as a presidential envoy and appearing in Al Jazeera’s Gold Mafia documentary, not exactly preaching to the choir.
Passion Java, prophet of designer sneakers and holy selfies, spends his Sundays praising ZANU PF while filming TikToks that make the Book of Revelation look like a comedy skit.
These are not shepherds; they are shareholders in the Gospel Industrial Complex.
They preach submission to authority as if oppression were the eleventh commandment.
The congregation is told that poverty is a test from God, that suffering is an offering, and that questioning your leaders is tantamount to questioning the Almighty Himself.
Zimbabwe’s prophets have perfected the art of turning holy water into political detergent — washing clean the sins of the powerful.
*The Benny Hinn Crusade: Hallelujah for the Incumbent*
Then came Benny Hinn, the globe-trotting televangelist with a flair for theatrics and a record for “miracles” that often expire faster than the event posters.
His Harare crusade over the weekend drew a crowd of the faithful and the famous — including former First Lady Grace Mugabe and current First Lady Auxillia Mnangagwa.
There they sat, side by side like two high priests of privilege, hands lifted in worship, perhaps thanking heaven for uninterrupted access to the nation’s resources.
Benny Hinn thundered that “Zimbabwe belongs to Jesus.”
The crowd roared.
But one couldn’t help wondering: which Jesus?
The one who overturned the tables of the money changers, or the one who opens ribbon-cuttings for the corrupt?
Grace Mugabe, whose late husband presided over decades of state-sanctioned looting, and Auxillia Mnangagwa, whose husband currently presides over similar graft and plunder, certainly seemed comfortable in this version of the Kingdom.
The crusade, to the discerning eye, looked less like a revival and more like a public-relations miracle — a Mnangagwa redemption tour disguised as deliverance.
Cameras captured hallelujahs, drones filmed miracles, and the poor went home with nothing but dust on their shoes and “Jesus loves Zimbabwe” on their lips.
It was not so much salvation as statecraft — political laundry hung out to dry under heavenly lighting.
And yet, when the prophet declared that “Zimbabwe belongs to Jesus,” the irony was divine.
If Jesus truly owned Zimbabwe, He would have filed for repossession long ago.
The country belongs, in reality, to the unholy trinity of ZANU PF elites, Chinese mining barons, and self-anointed prophets who bless both.
As Christ Himself warned, “Woe to you, Pharisees, hypocrites! You are like whitewashed tombs — beautiful on the outside, but inside full of dead men’s bones.”
*Faith as the Regime’s Tranquilliser*
Religion in Zimbabwe has become the regime’s most effective narcotic.
Sermons preach patience instead of protest; prayers replace policy; and holy oil has become the new budget line.
Every crisis is blamed on demons, every injustice excused as divine mystery.
The powerful invoke God to explain their greed, while prophets assure the masses that their suffering is sanctified.
It’s a stunning form of political control — more efficient than riot police, more enduring than propaganda.
The Bible has replaced the constitution as the most quoted but least obeyed document in the land.
Zimbabweans have become a nation of believers who cannot afford to doubt — not because their faith is strong, but because their reality is unbearable.
*The Final Amen*
Zimbabwe has been fooled once — in 2018, when the nation was told that God was in the election.
Fooled twice — in 2023, when hope returned dressed as certainty.
But perhaps not thrice. Even Job, after all his trials, eventually stopped saying “Blessed be the name of the Lord” and started asking hard questions.
It’s time to test every spirit and stop gullibly believing every illusory religious word dressed in niceties and promises of salvation.
It is time Zimbabweans did the same.
For too long, faith has been weaponised to protect the wicked, silence the suffering, and baptise corruption in holy rhetoric.
The gospel has been turned into a political tranquiliser, and the pulpit into an extension of the party headquarters.
As long as the nation continues to mistake piety for progress, it will remain chained to its false prophets and holy deceivers.
So let us pray — not for miracles, but for memory.
That we may remember who fooled us once, who fooled us twice, and vow, in the name of common sense and justice, never to be fooled thrice.
