Cde Honest Vhura Hombe
ZANU PF spokesperson Christopher Mutsvangwa has taken it upon himself to wash vice president Constantino Chiwenga all the way up to the coast, though some say Chiwenga is still figuring out how he got wet in the first place.
With war veteran-turned-social media celebrity Blessed Geza disappearing faster than a civil servant’s paltry salary, Mutsvangwa seized the microphone and delivered a knockout performance.
Armed with a vocabulary as sharp as a machete, Mutsvangwa labelled Chiwenga “cruel, illiterate, and unelectable,”effectively setting the stage for what might be Zimbabwe’s most entertaining power struggle yet.
The timing of this scathing attack is “chef’s kiss perfect” which of course aligns with Agenda 2030 to keep our beloved Ruka Chivende in power.
By painting Chiwenga as the political equivalent of a soggy sadza, Mutsvangwa is subtly suggesting that the only man fit to lead Zimbabwe is, of course, the incumbent himself, Ruka Chivende.
It’s a classic case of “if you can’t find a credible successor, just keep the old guy in charge.”
After all, why bother with a leadership contest when you can just extend the current ruler’s tenure under the noble banner of “democracy.”
Who needs alternatives when you’ve got…well, the same thing?
But here’s the real tea: did Mutsvangwa get the green light from Chivende to throw Chiwenga under the bus, or is he freelancing like a rogue street vendor selling expired Maputi?
If history is anything to go by, ZANU PF has a knack for dealing with dissenters faster than you can say “2030 Ndinenge Ndichipo.”
So, will Mutsvangwa face the dreaded disciplinary committee, or will he be spared, proving that his words were less of a gaffe and more of a scripted monologue?
If Mutsvangwa walks away unscathed, it’ll be the clearest sign yet that his “outburst” was less about Chiwenga’s fitness and more about Ruka Chivende’s forever campaign.
As the Politburo prepares for its next meeting, one must ask: how will these two gentlemen sit in the same room without a boxing referee present?
For now, Chiwenga is reportedly “absolutely fuming.”
But knowing ZANU PF politics, that rage could either result in a swift comeback or another unexplained disappearance.
