Fellow countrymen, ZANU PF elites, and opposition sellouts — it’s that time again. I rise from the grave to share my unparalleled wisdom and political insights.

First, I must confess, I’m not surprised.

When I left the earthly stage in 2019, I expected chaos.

However, I didn’t expect this level of circus — even from you, Emmerson.

Now you’ve let this Tagwirei fellow — this fuel prophet, this apostle of tenders — waltz into the Central Committee like he liberated Zimbabwe singlehandedly while selling diesel from rocks.

What happened to party loyalty and to ideological grounding?

You’ve replaced comrades with contractors!

Back in my day, you had to suffer in Mozambique, dodge bullets, and quote Karl Marx backwards before anyone trusted you with a stapler.

Now, if you build a church and donate a few luxury SUVs and boom  you’re ZANU PF royalty.

Let me address you directly, Tagwirei.

I’ve been watching you.

From this comfortable grave with Wi-Fi, I’ve seen your roadshows, your suspicious philanthropy, and your quotes:

“If you are not a tenderpreneur, you are foolish.”

Young man, please!

We used to insult colonialism, not the people.

You are turning Zimbabwe into a vending stall of tenders.

Government contracts are flying around like confetti at a wedding — no bids, no scrutiny, no shame.

A ghost company here, a shady donation there, and suddenly, you’re second only to the Almighty in influence.

You call it empowerment. I call it capture.

Even Chiwenga — the same man who used to salute before thinking — has found his voice. 

He’s denouncing your “phantom businesses.”

Now I hear rumours that you want to be Vice President and apparent heir to the throne.

Please! What liberation war did you fight? Command Agriculture?

That programme buried the economy faster than sanctions ever did. You don’t command agriculture, my boy — you command bank accounts.

You’ve revived “Agenda 2030,” thinking no one sees what it truly is — a power preservation project wearing lipstick.

That’s not economic planning. It’s economic plotting.

And poor Monica Mutsvangwa — ah, bless her diplomatic soul — tries to speak out against your “kitchen cabinet” politics.

But everyone knows ZANU PF kitchens are where coups are cooked and critics are roasted.

Then we have this Temptor Paul Tungwarara character — a man with more websites than he has workers.

His company gets hospital tenders while nurses faint from hunger.

Fires break out, hospitals burn, and suddenly his accounts are smoking too — from the deposits, not the blaze.

This is not governance. This is gospel fraud mixed with budget looting.

Even Jealousy Mawarire is now shouting that tenderpreneurs are torching hospitals to justify contracts. And honestly? I wouldn’t put it past you all.

When we said “the struggle continues,” we didn’t mean the struggle to rig every procurement form.

What kind of future are you building?

One where success is measured by how close your office is to the President’s elbow?

Where Elon Musk is quoted by men who don’t know the price of bread?

No. This isn’t the Zimbabwe I dreamed of. It’s a Zvigandanda safari park, and the hyenas now wear suits.

I leave you with this warning: if this tender-driven madness continues, ZANU PF will not implode — it will auction itself to the highest bidder.

Until next time… Asante Sana!