Fellow countrymen and ZANU PF elites, it is that time again I rise from the grave to share my unparalleled wisdom and political insights.
I must confess, I may have led you into this political jungle with machetes of populism and a compass of confusion.
My controversial land reforms, which were meant to address historical injustices but mostly benefited my supporters, along with my flawed economic blueprints and human rights abuses, all contributed to the current mess.
As for corruption, let’s just say some comrades were very “entrepreneurial.”
But even I, the founding father — the original demagogue and orator who once took former British Prime Minister Tony Blair to the cleaners — look upon today’s antics and mutter, “Haaa, guys, seriously?”
Ziyambi Ziyambi, young man, what is this I hear about you stating that the ZiG is stable?
Young man, learn to speak sophisticated propaganda, not foolish rants that can be debunked by any drug junkie hooked on Mutoriro.
The ZiG is definitely stable — like a marriage built on unpaid lobola.
Tell me, Cde Ziyambi, how can you lecture starving teachers and broke nurses about stability while they sell tomatoes at dusk and dreams at dawn?
You say prices haven’t gone up — perhaps you’re shopping in another dimension, one where onions are free and bread grows on propaganda.
When my government issued bond notes, we at least had the decency to pretend they were US dollars.
Now, you name a currency after gold — ZiG — but its value is more spiritual than financial. It’s stable only because nobody uses it.
Even thieves prefer to be paid in USD.
Meanwhile, civil servants are now full-time hustlers.
Teachers by day, airtime vendors by night. Nurses have turned to selling cosmetics — and some have even become thigh vendors. Really sad, indeed.
At least during my reign, I would raise salaries until they were eroded by inflation — and continue doing so until civil servants raised their issue.
Remember, I was once a teacher myself. I know the struggle.
I was definitely amused by Billy “Land Snatcher” Rautenbach’s efforts to boot war vets off land to expand his empire of greed.
And Masuka — my anxious little agriculture minister — tried to help him.
The High Court said, Not today, Billy! Finally, a judge with a spine and a dictionary.
Cde Masuka, I invented elite land grabs — but even I knew not to touch the war vets.
You just handed Billy a shovel and told the vets to dig their own graves. Very unstrategic.
Oh, and the court told you to personally defend your decision.
Imagine! Accountability in Zimbabwe? What a dangerous Western idea.
My beloved people, let’s be honest — the Second Republic looks suspiciously like the First, just with fewer speeches and worse suits.
The rich still eat lavishly while the masses, induced by the urges of survival, are breaking most regulatory laws in both the formal and informal sectors.
Prosperity is no longer a national goal — it’s a private WhatsApp group among tenderpreneurs.
If you truly want to fix things, start by separating ZANU PF from the state.
Right now, you can’t tell which is which — like trying to separate a baboon from its red behind.
The conflation is so deep, even ghosts like me can’t tell where the party ends and the government begins.
So, to all my dear Zimbabweans, especially in the informal sector, stay strong.
Sell your tomatoes.
Chant your slogans.
And maybe — just maybe — one day, you’ll have a government that cares more about your groceries than its Gucci.
Until next time, Asante Sana!
