By Cde Honest Vhura Hombe
It’s official — our beloved Sables have punched their ticket to the 2027 Rugby World Cup after edging Namibia 30–28 in a pulsating final in Kampala.
Thirty-four years later, the boys have done it!
Special mention must go to Hilton Mudariki, who’s been playing so long he probably remembers when Zimbabwean dollars still had value, and Brian Mashawi, whose powerful runs left Namibians wondering if they’d accidentally been tackling Zimbabwe’s skyrocketing 2007–08 hyperinflation.
Cue the vuvuzelas, bring out the goats, and… wait, this victory comes against the backdrop of controversies, scandals, and suspensions.
Back home, the only thing more bruised than Namibia’s egos is the credibility of the Zimbabwe Rugby Union (ZRU).
Remember earlier this year in May, when ZRU president Losson Mtongwiza was gracious enough to berate the Lady Sables upon their return from Côte d’Ivoire — with the warmth of a burnt boerewors?
In a leaked audio clip that now lives rent-free on the internet, he lovingly told the national women’s team: “If you are here to be paid, don’t come again.”
Touching.
Never mind that players were paid a majestic US$150 for the entire tour and were told to return their kits to receive their stipends.
For extra spice, they were also charged US$35 for team blazers — apparently, rugby now runs on reverse donations.
In true sportsmanship, threats of lifetime bans were dished out like post-match oranges for any athlete who dared to speak out.
The backlash was so loud, ZRU had no choice but to suspend Mtongwiza and women’s rugby chair Regina Mwanandiwa — though one suspects they were only benched because the noise drowned out the victory song.
The real comedy gold came when government spokesperson Nick Mangwana, who swiftly jumped onto X (formerly Twitter, now a confession booth for bad takes), reposted a Herald highlight with the enthusiasm of a teenager discovering data bundles.
“After 24 years, we are going to the World Cup. Congrats boys!” he typed — slightly off by ten years and entirely missing the irony.
Social media, as expected, had no kind words for this amateur blunder, dragging Mangwana so hard he briefly reminisced about his peaceful nursing days in the UK — a time before cyberbullying came with ZANU PF perks.
However, he quickly remembered the perks of patriotism: from humble health worker to proud farm overlord, evicting villagers from Thorndike Farm like a true defender of national land reform.
Hahaha, remember when former Norton MP-cum-headman Temba Mliswa came charging out like a rogue flanker with no boots, huffing:
“I’m very disappointed. Who is this foreign white coach? We keep importing mediocrity.”
Unfortunately for Temba, Piet Benade is Zimbabwean — a former Prince Edward Tigers player and local rugby hero.
Under his “foreign mediocrity,” Zimbabwe didn’t just beat Namibia — we qualified for the World Cup for the first time since 1991.
Maybe the only thing imported here was ignorance?
Still, back to the match: Ian Prior traded penalties with Namibia’s Cliven Loubser like two forex dealers behind Roadport.
Kudzai Mashawi’s lineout try gave Zimbabwe the lead, and Godfrey Muzanargwo bulldozed through like a kombi running away from angry, hungry, bribe-seeking, baton-wielding police officers.
Namibia fought back, but Tiaan Swanepoel’s last-minute penalty missed, sailing wide like transparency in a government budget.
As the final whistle blew and the Sables celebrated, Hilton Mudariki lifted the trophy — the lone survivor from Zimbabwe’s 2014 heartbreak — finally getting his moment.
Meanwhile, Brian Mashawi turned into a human wrecking ball in the backline, flattening defenders and egos alike.
Yes, Zimbabwe is going to the World Cup.
But please, let’s not get carried away — the victory bus might still break down at the tollgate of accountability.
