By Cde Nhamo Taneta
Not to be outdone by colonial Rhodesian settlers, President Emmerson Mnangagwa has launched his own “Land Apportionment Act,” now proudly marketed as the Presidential Title Deeds Program.
Fronted by his anointed successor, fuel king and chief Chigananda Kudakwashe Tagwirei, the scheme kicked off at Crigengower Farm in Mazowe with a ceremonial handout of 10,000 title deeds.
Yes, ten thousand pieces of paper promising ownership in a country where, constitutionally speaking, all agricultural land belongs to the state. Section 72 of the Constitution?
Mere decoration for the walls of the ministry of lands.
True patriots, forget socialism—the ruling party has officially rebranded to ZANU PF Capitalists Ltd.
What was once “land for the people” is now “land for sale.”
Beneficiaries of Mugabe’s chaotic land grabs, mostly party loyalists, can now flog the very plots they once seized for free.
Today a farm, tomorrow a cash-out.
Who needs agrarian reform when you have a real estate IPO on the horizon?
Legal experts have raised eyebrows, pointing out that these deeds blatantly violate Sections 72(4) and 72(5) of the Constitution, which stipulate that agricultural land is vested in the state and cannot be privately owned.
Previous title deeds issued before the land reform program are also considered null and void. But fear not, Advocate Fadzayi Mahere assures us that legality is overrated anyway.
As she points out, these deeds hold no legal force and cannot be used as collateral at banks.
In other words, you can show it off at parties, but don’t try to buy a tractor with it.
Meanwhile, Tagwirei’s involvement adds a sprinkle of entrepreneurial genius to the mix.
The man who can sell fuel to a thirsty nation also leads the Land Tenure Implementation Committee and reportedly profits from selling irrigation kits at prices that could make even a Harare landlord blush.
Nothing says “empowering farmers” like buying overpriced sprinklers from the nation’s fuel baron.
Yesterday’s communal farmers are tomorrow’s tenants.
Yes, the Second Republic has brought us full circle of feudalism with Wi-Fi.
Landlords now drive Ford Raptures, Maybach Benzes, and Toyota Land Cruisers while praying at Tagwirei’s fuel stations, making sure their tanks and influence never run dry.
True patriots, lest we forget, this is also Mnangagwa’s clever campaign trick.
Each title deed doubles as a vote magnet and a handshake for Tagwirei, the would-be heir to the throne.
Soon, every province will witness the same circus of title deeds, campaign songs, free T-shirts, and, if you’re lucky, a handshake from the man who may one day own your farm before you do.
Minister of lands, Dr. Anxious Masuka, God bless his naive soul, insists the program is constitutional, arguing that the new deeds merely transfer land from the state to farmers.
But one wonders, if old deeds were null, new deeds constitutional, and farms cashable, then perhaps we’ve all stumbled into Zimbabwe’s own version of Monopoly.
Pass Go, collect your title deed, and hope the banker doesn’t repossess it.
So, rejoice, fellow citizens!
The liberation promise has been pawned for quick deals, and Section 72 has been reinterpreted in the most “creative” way possible.
In the land of land reform, history repeats itself is a feudal era with a capitalist twist, a few lucky landowners, and the rest left watching the spectacle, laughing nervously while chanting, “Ko, muri kutengesa nyika yedu nechitupa chenyu here?”
Behold the Second Republic, where land reform meets real estate hustle, constitutional breaches meet campaign strategies, and farmers meet the ultimate question: do you plough the land or plough through the legal loopholes first?
