By Cde Sikhosana Bambazonke

The University of Zimbabwe (UZ) is about to release exam results — not with joy, not with pride, but with the same confidence one has when handing over a dish cooked by someone else’s mother-in-law. 

That is to say, cautiously, nervously, and without guarantees.

According to the Association of University Teachers (AUT), the results are about as legitimate as a Harare kombi driver’s promise to give you change. 

Lecturers have been on strike for 110 days, yes, since April 16 and while they’ve been singing “zvichanaka” on the picket line, the university allegedly brought in adjunct staff to do the marking.

Now, if you’re wondering who these adjunct staff are, imagine hiring a street prophet to judge a science fair. 

Yes, they might have enthusiasm, but do they know what a double-blind peer review is? 

Or what a bibliography looks like that’s not copied straight from Google? 

Let’s just say the academic credibility here is thinner than ZESA’s load-shedding schedule.

At the heart of the chaos is none other than Vice Chancellor Professor Paul Mapfumo, who the AUT claims is running the institution like a family tuckshop — no receipts, no records, and no one knows who’s actually in charge when he’s not around. 

The AUT says Prof Mapfumo has ignored calls for dialogue, even after they respectfully delivered a 45-page dossier and a 7-page cover letter.

That’s longer than most final-year dissertations — which, ironically, may now be marked by someone who once thought a thesis was a Greek god.

In classic Zimbabwean fashion, the university chose to suspend and then fire AUT executives for the high crime of conducting a strike ballot inside a university hall, apparently without “prior written permission.

Yes, comrades, we are now policing paper before people. 

You can fail to pay salaries for months, but don’t you dare forget to fill out Form X-17/A/Strike/B4-Meeting.

The AUT is livid. 

They say the results, released early this August are a national embarrassment.

Well, with graduation looming on August 22, students are set to receive degrees possibly marked by someone who thinks “plagiarism” is a vitamin.

The union says they’ll be releasing all the receipts — including emails, memos, and possibly WhatsApp chats — to show just how deep the academic rot goes. 

It’s less of a university these days and more of a televised drama, with episodes titled: “Results Without Markers,” Lecturers Without Jobs” and “Silence of the Vice Chancellor”*.

Meanwhile, the UZ administration has maintained a dignified silence, also known as the  “We’ll Say Nothing and Hope It Blows Over” doctrine. 

If it worked for mismanaged elections and ghost boreholes, why not exam results?

One thing is clear: UZ might hand out degrees this month, but credibility? 

That one’s still waiting to be marked.