By Cde Honest Vhura Hombe
ZANU PF has done it again, folks. No manifesto, no opposition, no voter turnout — and still, somehow, a landslide victory. It’s a political miracle. Or maybe just mathematics in a parallel universe.
In Epworth’s Ward 6, ruling party candidate Bushe Civilisen raked in 3,022 votes.
His nearest rival? A sleepy 120 votes from MDC-T’s Alice Nyahunzvi and a further 23 votes for independent Peter Nyapetwa.
Combined, that’s not even enough to fill a kombi. The voter turnout?
A mighty 25.8%, with 25 rejected ballots — possibly cast by people just drawing cartoons out of frustration.
Over in Chinhoyi’s Ward 14, Zanu PF’s Solomon Bizwork took home 599 votes, while independent Hope Zimbiri managed 194.
The turnout? A slightly less embarrassing 34.25%, which still means two-thirds of registered voters looked at the ballot, looked at their lives, and said: “Not today.”
But instead of retreating for a bit of soul-searching or a quiet chat with the ancestors, ZANU PF is on the rooftops celebrating like they’ve just won back the World Cup.
According to the party’s ever-enthusiastic information director, Farai Marapira, the low turnout isn’t a crisis — it’s a sign of progress.
“We’re gaining ground in urban strongholds,” he said, while standing atop a pyramid built on apathy.
You’d think after ruling for over four decades, they’d be campaigning with solutions to Zimbabwe’s real issues: collapsing healthcare, currency gymnastics, and jobless youths who now hustle harder than civil servants.
But no — the strategy remains simple: win the election first, figure out governance later. Maybe. If there’s time.
Meanwhile, the opposition has decided to play hide-and-seek with democracy.
Nelson Chamisa’s Citizens Coalition for Change (CCC), apologies, slip of the ink, Sengezo Tshabangu’s CCC snubbed the elections completely, perhaps waiting for divine intervention or a new constitution downloaded from the cloud.
If elections are a relay race, CCC has now dropped the baton, left the stadium, and switched off their phones.
MDC-T’s Douglas Mwonzora at least showed up — and promptly got beaten by independent candidates and spoiled ballots.
At this point, Mwonzora’s political relevance has to be measured using geological equipment.
Every time he releases a statement, even the dust in the archives yawns.
So why the dismal turnout?
Why did 75% of Epworth’s voters and 66% of Chinhoyi’s choose to stay home, tend gardens, or nap?
Well, it’s because the people are tired.
Tired of voting in elections with predetermined endings.
Tired of choosing between expired bread and stale biscuits. Tired of hearing promises about boreholes while drinking rainwater in buckets.
Zimbabweans are slowly realising that elections without reforms are just theatre.
A well-rehearsed play with no plot twist. And now that the leading opposition has gone silent and the rest are gasping for relevance, people are voting with their feet — straight to the shade.
However, ZANU PF on the other hand is already ordering more victory T-shirts and fuel coupons. After all, when you win elections alone, you never lose.
Next by-election, of course expect 10% turnout and a 110% celebration.
