By Cde Sikhosana Bambazonke

ZANU PF has once again demonstrated its unmatched political kung-fu, karate-chopping the opposition into six fresh by-election wins – proving that you can’t lose elections if your opponents forget to field candidates.

It’s the electoral equivalent of scoring goals in an empty stadium – and still celebrating like it’s the World Cup final.

The victories highlight ZANU PF’s impeccable organizational skills – a well-oiled machine that remembers to actually participate in elections, unlike certain other political outfits more comfortable with keyboard activism than actual campaigning.

While ruling party cadres were busy mobilizing voters, the opposition was presumably mobilizing their next round of social media hashtags about democracy and good governance.

Leading the opposition’s great disappearing act is none other than Sengezo “Recall Machine” Tshabangu – the self-proclaimed interim Secretary General of what’s left of the Citizens Coalition for Change (CCC).

While claiming to fight for change, Comrade Tshabangu appears far more interested in parliamentary perks than parliamentary resistance – a living embodiment of the saying, “If you can’t beat them, join their benefits scheme.”

His remarkable ability to simultaneously dismantle opposition unity while securing comfortable government accommodations would be impressive – if it weren’t so tragically predictable. Rumour has it he now ends every caucus with, “When are we getting are next batch of luxury vehicles”

Meanwhile, somewhere in prayer closets, former CCC leader Nelson Chamisa is still waiting for divine Wi-Fi.

His “God is in it” mantra has become the political equivalent of closing your eyes and wishing really hard – a tactic that has yielded precisely the results one might expect against ZANU PF’s ruthless political machinery.

While Chamisa waits for divine intervention, ZANU PF continues its earthly domination through more reliable methods – a cocktail of lawfare, state media, and the quiet deployment of state resources.

The election results speak volumes. In Chiredzi Ward 4, ZANU PF’s candidate trounced his independent opponent 1,577 votes to 265 – a margin so decisive it suggests the opposition didn’t just lose the election, but possibly forgot where the constituency was located.

Marondera’s Ward 6 produced an even more lopsided result – 928 votes for ZANU PF against a paltry 22 for the independent candidate, numbers that suggest even the independent’s immediate family might have forgotten to vote.

Critics say Chamisa has confused political strategy with Psalms and Proverbs, hoping holy verses will unseat a party armed with the courts, the police, and the purse.

One exasperated villager from Mazowe summed it up: “We prayed with him in 2018. We prayed again in 2023. Nothing happened. Now he has returned with cryptic messages on X (formerly Twitter), which only prophets can decipher.”

Chamisa’s gospel politics have inspired a new opposition theology: “Faith without fielding candidates is dead.”

Let’s give credit where it’s due – ZANU PF didn’t just win, it tactically engineered an electoral playground with no playmates.

Using a well-oiled mix of lawfare, state media, coercion, and good old confusion, it has turned the opposition into spectators at their own funeral.

Six by-elections later, the ruling party has shown it doesn’t need violence anymore when legal backdoors work just as well – and don’t mess your suit.

With Tshabangu taking the reins, Chamisa looking to the clouds, and no meaningful political party on the ground, Zimbabwe’s opposition now resembles a WhatsApp group with a dormant admin – just ignoring forwarded messages and missed opportunities.

If elections are a contest of ideas, Zimbabwe’s opposition has clearly run out of stock. But don’t worry, true patriots – while you are suffering, remember this: “God is in it.” That, of course, is according to Chamisa.

Chamisa is still searching the scriptures, Tshabangu is polishing his government-friendly CV, and X activists are drafting manifestos between meme posts.

ZANU PF didn’t win because it changed.

It won because the opposition didn’t show up – physically or ideologically.

As it stands, the only resistance ZANU PF might face in 2028 is from bad roads and potholes – and even then, the potholes may not be registered to vote.

In the end, Zimbabwean politics remains a well-cooked sadza plate: ZANU PF brings the meat, Tshabangu brings the gravy, Chamisa brings the prayers, and the citizens, once again, bring empty plates.